I've been wanting to write log entries for awhile now. Figured why not, it really doesn't matter at this point. I think after closing down the subreddits I've made and taking a break from the online world in the effort to improve myself, I've conjured this notion that I could be somebody- that I could make something out of myself. Yet the desire wasn't my own, I had that mentality because I thought it was what I was supposed to do. I can draw, I can write, I managed to quit several addictions on my own and cope with the trauma I have faced all without a therapist or a support system by my side. I figured that must've meant something, but that's nonsense. . It's a sentiment shared by almost everyone these days, it's pathetic. I owe nobody nothing. I go my own way, my own guidance. It's a standard that has only ever strengthened over the years. All of that is an illusion. You can never be anything other than what you already are. What are you? Only you can say. If what you are is determined by what others perceive you as then what you are is the embodiment of nothingness. You'd become a walking mirror, what is there to you aside other peoples reflection?

I value my independence more than anything else in the world, even if may make me come across as dependent such as my fixation on Theo. I value it because it's all I have. Everything around you can fade but you will still remain. Others have their communities, good or bad. I have myself, good or bad.

I write here because of the constant reminder of my mortality. When I die, I don't want someone to try to control the details on who I am and how I felt and what my life was like. I have no contact with my family and never been close to them my whole life. I have no irl friends and barely talk enough with people online for them to accurately give a testament to my identity. No one truly knows me because I am not close to anyone. I don't feel like being close to anyone either. All there is are the things I willingly put out online.