May 23rd, 2025
I wonder what brought on me having nightmares about Her again, it's always the same theme too. It's the same theme with every girl I knew personally which isn't many. Cluttered, crowded, disorienting, feeling like I am just there. Always the same mid cloudy weather, always around noon. It's depressing, I wake up feeling sick to my stomach whenever I have those types of dreams. Not from anxiety I don't think, no it feels physical- as if I am starting to catch a cold or something. Lately I've been slacking in the self care department, I've been drinking coffee all day which makes me anxious then makes me sleep in which then makes me crave sweets which then makes me overeat. I know it's bad for me yet I still do it anyways. I'm going to stop, starting today. No caffiene again.
I keep pondering over my potential career paths. There's too many options... But wouldn't it be nice if I simply became a camera operator? Something I've been wanting to pursue since I was a little kid. I looked into it before, I am too small. I am small and my balance is below average. But at the same time, I don't fucking care. I wanna pursue that path. I like the untraditional side of film, I wanna work in commericals and live TV and work in short films, etc. I'm the opposite of Theo, it's not about putting my name out there- it's not about attention, it's about the love of the game itself. In a way I love the idea of only ever being associated with obsure media. I've been thinking about Theo a lot lately, not in the usual way, but rather what led me to wasting a decade of my life wishing I were him. I could become the thing he failed to do. I wish I could become him physically, i never stopped wanting that. But I have gotten better at embracing my feminine self. Long sleeves are my best friend. I need to lose weight and stop being a disgusting pig : D I tried on a dresss, I ended up looking like an ogre due to the combination of my musuclar frame and the fact I am not lean. I am not obese but I am not lean.

What if evil is temptation? What if evil takes the form of something promising you a better life, something you know is wrong? Evil stems from the desire for something better, it is a constant pattern. Even when it comes to people who kill for the sake of causing pain, they do so because they know it will make them feel better. When I think about Theo, and the nature of addiction, when I think about the person that hovers over me, I am reminded of that fact. It's temptation. Being lured in by something to do something immoral, masquerading as a friend who knows whats best for you. In the end, those actions suck the life out of that person, turning them into a zombie who needs the next hit that will make them feel better, driving them to do more and more henious things that harms everyone else around them even if indirectly. Why is life like that?

Been crazy anxious all day, I think it's due to not having coffee. Sucks how much I crave comfort food, I'm such a piglet.