May 24th, 2025
Woke up today feeling kinda better, better than how I've felt. Trying to get into a routine. Slip some, always get back up. I'm trying. Had some Southern Comfort last night and it didn't taste too bad, though I thought it would be stronger. Wish I had more ngl, I mean I do but I only let myself drink on Fridays and only after 5pm. It's just nonstop, man. I don't know what else to say. Nonstop the same thing every single day: "I wish I had a girlfriend" "I wish I had friends" etc. Same thing every day because nothing can get done, and since nothing can be done atm it reinforces the thought that this will be all life has to offer. I feel bitter over everything. I have to realize that my intuition has gotten good, my whole problem in life was continuing on with things when I KNEW my gut was suggesting otherwise. It's crazy how the moment I met my last boss, I knew something felt off yet I kept pushing it aside since I figured it was just my anxiety. I just get so desperate though. I want so badly for someone to care about me, to love me. It's not like when I went to go live with Omar and met up with people like my roommate that I was like "oh nothings gonna happen : )" I literally prayed to get killed. My life didn't matter and as such it made me able to take huge risks in order to potentially have a better life. I was ready to die. It's why I don't get upset over them in particular when it turned out they were abusive, I get upset over my situation. I get upset over people like Theo because they went on to adopt a fake ass progressive idealogy where they virtue signal about how much they care about those issues, all the while knowing they made fun of people like me and have fully taken advantage of vulernable people behind closed doors once it suited them. White suburban pieces of shits now claiming to be "oppwessed" minorities once it could socially benefit them to do so. God, I can't wait for him to die. One of the few people where I can safely say everyone would benefit if he died. But what bothers me isn't really him, its how retarded other people are- mainly women. They always rush to defend people like him at the cost of everyone else. Yet that's what I mean, I need to stop acting like I am missing out when it comes to retards. These people literally prove that when have an IQ of an ant, that all someone needs to do is slap on a label then boom, surely no one would everrrrr lie about those sorta things. The most brainless "appeal to authority" whores in the existence. I guess it's the reminder that I am not a man, and that my life would be easy if I were Theo, because of people like that. But I'd rather have real people in my life, I can't tolerate anything else. I know peoples' tone of voice all too well, I know when someone is being fake even if its to be polite- theres actually a difference between the two in terms of body language, easy to spot. I deserve better than these idiots. People keep saying the tides are turning, that everyone else is sick of these people too, I hope that's the case. I can't wait for it to be the norm to denounce these homophobic, sexist piece of shit buffalo bill sex offenders and their equally zombie-like supportors. I feel sorry for all the HSTSs out there, those are the only ones I feel sorry for- speaking as a former HSTS myself.

I guess the other worry I have with "the tides turning" is that even before all this was a thing, I fucking hated radfems. I was always made to feel bad for being "no better than a man" when it comes to having the audacity to be into things like BDSM, even when it's vanilla. It feels stupid to wanna kill myself over but fuck I don't want to be alive if I can't be who I am. Thats one of the main things that bothers me. Its that I still dont have any access to any space whatsoever regarding being able to express myself yet these people, straight people with porn addictions, do. They took over every space meant for homosexuals and since a lot of gay men hate women and are only "gay" because of porn theres "trans only" spaces but zero fucking woman only spaces. When there is a "woman only" space, its full of fat radfem bulldyke retards and NGLOG bifoid radfems that treat homosexuality like its also perverted the same way everyone else does, except just like transbians they lie about being "lesbians".
Even when it comes to minor things like being a furry, I was made to feel ashamed over it and now people like Theo and a bunch of other normies are IDing as such once it became trendy. Though I do gotta thank them for doing so, the community is trash. Still like mascot costumes, the art of it all.
I think its funny how most of these people, since they are normies by default including Theo, jumped on the bandwagon so late that I basically outgrew most of the things they obsess over. And with them, they technically can't "ruin" something as I've never seen a tranny be original in their life, so everything they latch onto becomes a generation loss type situation where it all starts to become generic, becoming wits own little thing akin to Mall Goths but if Mall Goths were even less creative, sorta like a corporation uniform but for mainstream obsessed normies who pretend to be alt.
I'm really just complaining because I know what I have to do, and I don't wanna do it. I'm gonna have to pick up the mantle.

I'm gonna try to ween myself off of the Trazadone. I am tired of feeling severely depressed. I haven't felt this way since I smoked weed prior to trying to kill myself. I know I have a reason to be depressed but I hate being stuck taking a medication that doesn't even do anything.

I hope I can eventually start to feel joy again. I had a weird thought earlier, about pooning out. Briefly, and I mean briefly, actually thought about it even if it was a fleeting moment. Really it has to do with the whole "well you're gonna probably die from mouth cancer anyways" mentality I have that sits in the back of my head. I would never poon out as in ID as a pooner, no it would moreso be a form of body modification. I'd never do that though. Hell, I refuse to ever get my ears pierced solely because most people pierced their ears at one point in their life, meanwhile I never pierced my ears ever. Never gotten a tattoo either, never will. My body will remain untouched.

I wish I could slice my throat open and see myself bleed out through a third person perspective. When I die I want it recorded.