May 25th, 2025
I have three job interviews coming up, I am elated. I went on Instagram and followed several pages my previous coworker reccomended to me when we went out to a bar prior to the attempt on my life, After I got out of the hosptial I basically ghosted everyone, and no one bothered to check in on me regardless so nothing was truly lost. Still, going to that bar was the first. It gave me a taste of a social life I never had before. I also followed a couple pages in regards to the post punk/punk ska scene where I live as I researched into that a year ago while working at my shitty job at the Assembly Line, though I never bothered going as my mental healh was in the gutter and the job was soul sucking. I never went to a concert before, I am scared shitless to even go because I am scared of potential contamination. I'm also scared of going to the local LGBT events in general because theres trans people there and they make me uncomfroable as the only ever time I ever interacted with trannies was when I was trans myself back in late middle school, and well, they were assholes. None of them were really TruTrans, this was during a time where society actually did hate them, and the only ones there were women who IDed as non binary yet not doing anything- literally nothing- to represent themselves as such. I hate that I ever tried to poon out, it fucked me over. My mom forced me into complete isolation after "coming out" as she thought my friend at the time, who IDed as trans after I came out to her, was influencing me to be that way. My friend and I were already becoming distant with each other as she chose internet friends over me when we still lived near each other, constantly telling me she couldn't hang out or do anything because she "told her facebook friend she would RP with them". And overall she seemed disinterested in me whenever we did hang out, often talking about her own interests and all that, not asking how I was doing (I was doing poor lol one of the worse periods of my life). So when my mom said we couldnt even meet up anymore, it was like the nail on the coffin. Really fucked me up as it was like that day changed how my mom viewed me forever. She was neglectful and didn't care about me prior, but afterward she become a watchdog and developed a delusion where I was possessed by evil spirits, ontop of the whole munchausen by Proxy situation that happened after where she told everyone who would listen that I was mentally retarded lmao That I had "a mind of 11yr old" and then setting herself as my dependant in regards to SSI without me knowing. Even after I depooned, it didn't get better. Yaknow the crazy thing is that I thought she would be happy that I was trans in a way because she fucking hates women, and constantly shittalked women as a whole, treating me and my sister like shit but not giving the same treatment to my brothers. Hell, going out of her way to treat my oldest brother (the one who molested me) and my youngest brother like they were angelic beings, which is ironic since both their dads were abusive as shit. The "lGbT" group at the school didn't do fucking shit. No one cared. This was back around 2016-2017, though the troon stuff started in late 2014 ish. So by the time I met Theo, I stopped IDing as a pooner yet still tried to keep vaguely pretending to be a boy online. A complete edgelord though lol
These people are fake fucks but I also don't wanna cause trouble so I guess Ill keep my mouth shut. I'm scared of talking to girls, man. I want their attention but the thought of having their attention scares me because I feel like a disgusting freak. I;m scared men will also be creepy toward me but that aspect is whatever as I am not planning on making friends with men nor really talking to them. Im done trying to do that. I think its crazy how when I was in the mental hospital recently, I was put in a female only ward. THAT was the most I ever spent around women in the past 5-6 years. The most I ever spent around women in my entire adulthood. It kinda sucked because I did eventually get horny and well, it was like having female blue balls if that makes sense. There was this girl I really wanted to talk to but never did, overall though it wasnt bad and most of them were nice. I just have to remember that. Its hard being attracted to only one sex with that same sex being the main people who tried to hurt you in life, especially who bullied you the most. Like yeah men hurt me too and that was scary considering men are physically stronger, but it didnt affect me emotionally much as I was never into them. I literally only ever got with men because women said to do so, that it would "help my trauma", and the only reason I feel bad for doing so is because now I feel like no women would ever want me. Everything comes back to how women feel and if they will ever be interested in me, its been this way since I hit fucking puberty. Women were the main reason I also IDed as trans as I wanted to be straight. I wanted to be a straight man. I would nonstop fantasize about having a man's body and having sex with women.
Its so funny too. All this talk about Theo, right, and yet I just wanted him to use me, to relive my own trauma, and even when he REACHED OUT I was barely interested, yet I'd fantasize about having his body when he send me pictures of himself. I told him his dick was small afterward LMAOO Kinda fucked up, but idk his dick was average. I wonder what it will be like finally being able to become a man as surely I will eventually in another life. I wonder if dick size will be an insecurity or whatever nonsense is there to be insecure about. When I was younger in TV shows men would be "insecure" they had no chest hair, yet I barely see men with chest hair in media anyways. It's weird imagining myself as a man in hindsight because I think I have an attractive body as is, so to be a man its moreso about how other women would feel. Its bullshit how I know so much about how to looksmaxx and all that shit in regards to the average man in order to become desirable, yet none of that is useful to me as I'm a woman.
It hurts... I was thinking about this last night. I will never be able to have kids naturally, I will never be able to be in love with a girl and be seen as a happy, normal couple. Instead I will always be seen as a stupid ass dyke. I hate how people act like you can change your sexuality or that lesbians are confused (funny how they accept gay men but not gay women) when Id die to be able to be a straight woman. I could actually ENJOY sex, I could ENJOY men, the majority of the population. Like imagine finding men attractive, I would have nothing to complain about other than my physical disability as Id have no problem getting with men in general. Even in an abusive relationship, the silver linging would be sex. 1 outta 3 women are assaulted yet funny how most of those women never "become gay". Most of them are straight. I hate being a homosexual. I hate being like this. I hate it. I hate myself. Women are impossible to understand. Most women are obsessed with men. Most spaces involving fandoms worship shit like yaoi and everything is geered toward straight people. I hate posers, I HATE how they act like theyre "qweer" and think being gay makes them cool. I never wanted to be this way and I actively tried to "fix" myself. I hate how even amoung troon spaces, its about being straight, and even if you get with another pooner that pooner wants to look like a man. I hate the stereotype that all lesbians want to emulate a boy/girl relationship as every lesbian is inherently attracted to a butch when I am not. I am attracted to fem / androgyonous women. I hate how I am apart of the "severely self hating gay" crowd, I don't know how not to be. I never been able to express myself ever without someone finding me disgusting. It was hard growing up during the whole SJW shit where women obsessed over the "male gaze" and how finding women sexy was bad, as I felt like even more of a horrible perverted person since BOTH sides seemingly fucking hated me. I hate getting into MGTOW scenes as a young age as those were the only people I could relate to.
I don't wanna get my hopes up.

I just wanna be happpy someday, I want to live a happy fulfilling life, even if it has to be after I am dead.

I had coffee today but from Dunkin, not from home. Big mistake. At first I felt fine because I was outside the house for once and yaknow, sunlight we need it. But now I have a lot of restless energy and my thoughts are scattered all over. I crave more coffee just to "calm me down" lol I did that with energy drinks. It was like a cycle. I'd drink my Monster Rehabs one after the other. Every time I would quit, I would eventually end up buying one "for gold times sake" then it would get me hooked again, its an expensive freaking habit. Energy drinks cost more than hard liquor. I vowed never to buy any ever again, its too addicting. It's like weed, man. It fucks up my anxiety yet it tricks me into thinking its calming, just like the way sugar does. I am still physically addicted to sugar which sucks. I don't think I have an addictive personality, though. I think a lot of people are in denial about being addicrs in the first place, addiction is normalized within society- the "socially acceptable" ones like porn, junk food, alchohol, caffiene. Hard drugs are bad but joking about how you are physically dependant on caffiene is funny I guess. I can't jack off to porn anymore, ever since quitting it all comes across as disgusting to me. Not the actions itself, just the way its made. Its not the real thing obviously. Sometimes I still try to get off but I always kinda regret it for the most part, maybe one or two times it actually feels nice. For some reason I have been getting really paranoid after doing so lately, like the physical sensation makes me feel like my pelvic floor is gonna collaspe and it freaks the fuck out. Ever since I found out your pelvic floor could collapse Ive been freaked out. Why is female biology like this? It's retarded. We got periods, we got our hormonal issues, and now we got our pelvic floors potentially collapsing. Men only gotta deal with an anal prolapse IF he does anal, men dont gotta worry about jack shit otherwise other than getting cancer which is something everyone worries about. All this makes me convinced either my soulself made things to be intentionally more difficult or that maybe Gpd is evil, that God simply is an evil being who wants peoeple to suffer, I wish I was joking. Its just traumatizing in its own right to grow up as a female. A lot of dumb shit, a lot of unfairness. Whiney whiney whiney look at me. Yet what I see is women complaining about men as if men are at fault lol because they cant ever get men out of their fucking minds. Men, men, men. I guess both sexes are equal in that regard, in the NPC realm they both have that as their default setting- men complaining about women, women complaining about men. Makes me sense. I only complain about women because women don't see the value in other women, they put men first even when they claim to hate men. Why can't they just be honest and say "yep, I am OBSESSED with men, I am NOTHING without men, men are in my thoughts 247". Same with men, why can't they admit that. They always gotta play mind games, like two machines malfunctioning. I can admit I am obsessed with women, because I am. I think about women 247. I am nothing without women. See, it isnt fucking hard to admit that. Imagine being attracted to 50% of the population yet acting like you have it so hard, that you are soooo misunderstood sexually or whatever. Like I mean in regards to their sex life, they act like they have it ohhh sooo harddd : ((( Look at these poooooooooor wittle men and women, guysss. I think humanity by default is just stupid and I know I sound edgy for saying that, but sometimes I think we are a stupid species. I hate the human condition because it feels absurdly artificial most of the time. NPCs exist, so why do some people have self awarenesss? Why are some people apart of the game and others aren't? Theo is an NPC. We got people who are NPCs pretending they are not NPCs, man. Crazy.

Spelling errors and so on, I type out my thoughts as they come. Sometimes I reread it, sometimes I don't. I'm not going to go back and correct things once its published. Whats done is done, consider it raw.