May 28th, 2025
Keep on wanting to delete all this, wanting to become invisible, wanting to keep it up, feeling like I am gonna live a long hopefully happy life, feeling like I am going to die prematurely, feeling like everything is okay, feeling like everything is going to go to shit, that I am being naive for ever thinking things will get better. It's hard growing up where people all around me treated me like a burden or an object. On one hand, I think about how people like Theo turned out and how I should be happy that I was never roped into their fakery, that me doing relatively well despite all Ive gone through and overcoming things is an example that I am meant to do good in life. On the other, I can't shake what the majority is, I can't shake how the majority sees me. How I am looked down on and seen as a lesser in various ways, that there hasnt been a single time in human history where someone like me wasn;t the first to be targetted when it comes to literal genocide and other ways. Seeing people defend gene-editing and brain chip implants under the guise of "helping" people who are like me, the majority act like its not a trojan horse. These people and their stupid fucking ignorance pisses me off, I am so jaded by it all. They are brainless followers, all of them. Its laughable when it comes to people like Theo due to how absurdly stupid their delusions of prosecution are compared to who they are. I dont really get angry over it, mostly because I adopted a natural selection attitude regarding it even though I know others claim it isnt very natural, however I think it is. I think if it wasnt this type of cult brainrot, these people wouldve fallen for a different version of cult brainrot because lunacy like that existed all throughout human history. But when its not laugghable is when it comes to the majority-majority, not the people who pretend to be counter culture. Sure they have good intentions, but that almost makes things worse. People are easier to be taken advantage of when they have good intentions. Theyre naive. I don't know whats gonna become of me, I dont know what I want to do. Honestly the main thing I wanna do right now is go out and socialize, I wanna hook up. I want a girlfriend more than anything, even if its temporary. I wanna try to be close to people, it feels like my main hurdle. All I do is run away from anyone I remotely care about. But at the same time, those people never talk to me afterward. They never start up a conversation on their own. I guess thats what Im gonna do. Go out party, talk to people, start up conversations, get things going, then ghost them to see if its one sided or not. To see if they actually care or if Im doing all the heavy lifting. Im tired of doing all the heavy lifting. I treat people nice, I buy them things, I dont lie to them, I dont do anything to hurt them, so its like when they turn out to be fake, when they end up never contacting me again after I refuse to start up another conversation, it hurts. But fuck those people. Their loss. Now I know who will be loyal. I guess its a good system.

Oh my fucking God I am so sad. I don't know why. It's unbearable, I can't cry it out. I can't cry. I don't know why. I want to die.

I saw the most attractive woman Ive seen in a while. I keep staring at her photos. I am so horny. I feel weird about jacking off though, the last couple times I did it I felt paranoid after for seemingly unknown reason. I wonder if I vomitted up my medication. I vomitted two times earlier, one in the toilet one on the floor by accident. I never want to eat food again!! But before I did all that I took my medication like a good little pharmaslut. Well, its like what. 25mg. Oh WELL. I am so horny man. I am so lonely. Life would be easier if I liked dick. Or if I had a dick.... As a man, not as a woman. Id be so fucked if I had a dick in my current state. Id be so fucked if I was born a man without a dick too. God pray for the biological freaks out there, man. I want that girl crush me under her armpits and make me worship her like a peasant. I would worship her. Id do anything for another woman. But people dont like that. People dont LIKE my God-like devotion, they find it creepy and obsessive. Look at Theo. Imagine choosing to cuckhold yourself fucking balding tranny prostistutes and sexting little girls on Discord than taking asvantage of your stalker fully while you had the chance. Nah mam, lets chase after 200+ pound fat pooners and devote yourself to a narcisstic cult full of the most stereotypical Reddit esc ugly looking trannies people make memes about. I mention Theo because well, he did show interest at one point. Out of all the people I obsessed over, he was the only one to actually try to do something with me. And yet I wasnt even attracted to him lol It wouldve never worked out, but during all that I was still dealing with PTSD from CSA and thoughts of wanting to be used again, so who knows. The funny thing is my obsession with him wouldve died out completely had we met up in person. I didnt even check his profile for most of it. When I checked in profile back in 2024, I was shocked to see how he actually looked like compared to ig the vision of him in my end- "vision", I put loosely, as I would usually think about being him. I remember that moment clearly because no offense, it wasnt like he was ugly or anything (pre tranny Theo), but it was kinda disgusting. He had a mustach like the utlimate pedostach it was so funny and weird and gross. Like why would you ever think that looked good, chap? Right now DireTrip has the same sorta thing going on. He has a goatee yet he has a babyface, I am so sorry for my parasocial friend but that doesnt look good. It looks like someone painted facial hair on him. I kinda feel bad in a way, I feel for all the people out there who are stuck with babyfaces. FlurryMoon has a babyface, she looks like a minor. The women I was obsessed with prior to poooooooor wittleeee Theooo barely knew me, one of them was a pooner, who shocker, I wanted to be. She was obsessed with Rick & Morty, was a nice artist too. I drawn her fanart which she responded. But I was a freaky degenerate back then who had no impulse control and zero self awareness as an edgelord, I would threaten to rape her and all that LOL I was 15 and I am pretty sure she was adult actually, as she would post NSFW and all that. Yet Im pretty sure I lied about my age at the time (this was Facebook) considering I talked to others in her circle and one of them was pretty candid about NSFW things, like she was shocked I didnt moan while masturbating. I dunno what age I said I was, probably 22 or something le mature. Fun times. Man.... I miss stalking peopleeee. I miss being devoted to peopleeeee. I still fantasize about things I probably shouldn't. and it excites me thinking about stuff like that. I still think about being in Theo's body, or haunting him behind the grave for fun. I like thinking about having sex with his fat ugly pooner friends, maybe with their permission maybe notttt. They aret ugly, theyre just fat. Theres barely anyone in this world who qualifies as being ugly, most people are ugly due to bad personal hygiene, lack of style, and being obese/anorexic. The only people who are born ugly are people like me who have medical conditions that make them deformed. I laugh whenever people think Im being mean by calling someonme fat or stating the obvious in terms of how disgusting they look, at least they have the option to not look that way. SOMEONE has to say something, if they put in more effort into themselves they could be pretty popular. I hate seeing people self depricate and be all "boowooo no one wants me : (" or act like they are "lonely", when they have no reason to be. All their problems can be fixed. They have inherent potential that shouldnt be understated. Instead of being mopey whiners they should work on achieving their goals because nothing is truly stopping them from doing so.
See I wonder if I woke up in man's body, if I would miss my female one in terms of experiencing climax. Would I be used to how I smell or would I be new to everything, including my own body odor? Because men smell gross even when they are clean. But I love sweaty women. Sometimes I feel like I should try again, that I should just end it all. This time by drowning. How could God be mad at me? Others have it worse but that doesnt take away the fact my life was harder than what most people had to go through, and its like. WHY do others have it worse, huh? Why do we have to be put through so much? Theres so amy people in this world who are born and the moment they are born they are tortured and eventually killed at a young age. Wheres God in that?
Sometimes I dont even wanna have sex with a woman before I die because I dont wanna put someone through that. "Heyyy lets have sex" and then WHAM, next thing you know I am fucking dead lol but its not like it would be anything they couldve controlled. That is if any woman would ever wanna be with me.. I doubt it. I am disgusting. I look like a cryptid. I am weirdly bulky for a female.
I took this image of me months ago. Like, uhhh. Awhile ago. I'm more muscular than I was before, less fatty.

Lol I look so fucking psychotic, my eyes, I was trying to look at the viewfinder to see how it looked but I cant see that far even with my glasses. Look at my body though. Look at it. I look so fucking weird even without my face being fucked up. Even with the weight that I am in and so on, I look like a freak. It wouldnt be that big of a deal if homosexuality wasnt so uncommon, if the competition wasn't fierce due to how small the perventage is. I dont know why I look the way I do regardless, I dont work out the way other women due yet I look more bulky than a lot of them. I put on musucle easily.
I just want a girl to love me, to find me attractive, to look past everything. I wouldnt hold another girl to the same standards I hold myself to, thats the thing. If there was a girl just like me physically, including my condition, I would be able to look past it and she would still be my everything. Id still die for her. Yet I dont think that would happen to me, I dont even think I could trust someome to have that happen to me. Im useless.