May 29th, 2025
Im thinking if I went the noose route, I could set up my camcorder and record it lmao Maybe stream it since its unlikely anyone would find me in the woods. But a noose would be least effective compared to drowning and idk if the stream would be stable or if it will cut out. I mean where I live theres a spot in the woods where it isnt deep in the woods and right next to a highway, but shrouded enough to where it would still be hard to locate me. i tried killing myself in April, went to the ICU, stayed in the psych ward, no one helped yet now I am in over $k in debt due to medical expenses. Lost my job because I was hospitalized. I have two job interviews coming up but both job options suck and will still leave me in poverty barely scraping by. I have no friends, no family, been isolated for years, I dont feel like life is worth it, I cant wait to die. Im too poor to even kill myself right now, I have to wait til I get a paycheck in order to do it. But I don't get a job between the two interviews, then I guess I will have to go with drowning since Im tired of trying to overdose.
Its a sick joke to be brought up in an era where everyone pretends to uplift "muh minorities", all the while its a facade built by narcissts who virtue signal to hide their own depravity. I have never met a single progressive in my entire fucking life who was a geninue person that wanted the best for people like me, we are always fucked over no matter what. I have met literal Nazis/neo Nazis who were less bigoted and less judgemental than the average progressive, actually the far right is extremely diverse compared to progressives. All I see is white upper class useless crybaby faggots, yet if you call them out for being fake crybullies youre the bad guy ig.
I dunno if Im gonna write a suicide note. I dunno what Im gonna do about this webpage, if Im gonna delete it. Last time I tried to kill myself, I said nothing to literally everyone. I didnt tell anyone I was gonna do it because thats how much I stopped caring about life itself. I did make an effort to try and see my childhood pooner friend right before heading to the hotel as a last ditch effort to see if life was worth living, but no one answered the door. It felt like people were in there, I thought I heard, but no one answered. I left a shark keychain there for her. Last time I talked to her, I got blocked for twannzzzphobia- like oh yes, block ME for that, you literal transtrending fujoshi. Block the former HSTS who tried to transitioned before you did, whos the reason you ever pooned out to begin with. I dont really care tbh, I guess her whole situation was insulting to me solely because she abandoned me- she copied me, yet chose to talk to people online instead. Im jealous because with her body, she couldve passed when she was skinny. SHe got fat pretty quickly, but whatever. I blame myself for her struggles... Like I think back on that, and its like idk. I caused her to poon out, yet at the same time she abandoned me shortly after. She has a heart condition too so she shouldnt have even been allowed to have T, she has a literal diagnosed psychotic disorder yet her doctors allowed her to poon out. That just goes to show you how scuffed everything is. How much BS it is. I wish I never did anything, I wish I spent that time accepting my sexuality while I still had the chance considering lesbian spaces werent taken over yet. I mean I did date several women, but it was all e dating and I never opened up about what was going on I dont think... I always tried to act cool, but Id be angry too and vent about nonsense to take my mind off things. I wish instead of being an edgelord, I wish I wouldve allowed myself to be vulernable.
Keep thinking everything will be fine, then I remember what I look like, how I sound. The only times I felt happy and content was when I was isolated to the point I forget that I sound the way I do. If only my voice was normal, I wouldnt even mind my face being the way it is. Its a sick fucking joke. I sound normal when I speak, in regards to what I hear. Yet I sound completely different to others. How is that possible? This is what Im talking about with life being a form of torture. No one will ever hear how I actually sound like. Shit man, I got that dyke-y voice going on and everything. Its not like I have no speech impediment, I do hear myself having a speech impediment but its nowhere near as bad as it actually sounds.

I feel like I am taunted whenever I fall asleep in a way where upon waking up, I forget that I have ever fallen asleep in the first place. Reminds me of being dead. Very peaceful. I do not know why I am depressed the way I am.

I need to stop being a whiney faggot, I hate being so weak. I could do whatever I want yet I imprison my own self due to insecurity.