I cant stop being a freak. i love imagining myself as another women and getting turned on, its the only reason i dress fem and the only reason i would buy feminine clothes. i love the smell of my sweat and the feel of my body. but i feel like even after i get a girlfriend, i dont think that will go away. id wanna sneak in her room and wear her clothes, sniff her underwear and socks. i feel like a degenerate. i wouldnt mind if a girl did that to me though, it would turn me on if i caught her doing that. especially if she used my clothes to pleasure herself. why do women have to be so attractive. why do i have to be a woman. i want a girlfriend so bad. im not even like other incels where they are picky, im not picky, i just wouldnt get with a girl who is morbidly obese or has a body of a child (no ass AND no boobs, but i wouldnt mind if she has no boobs or no ass, just not both at the same time). i wouldnt mind her race as long as shes a nice person. i wouldnt even mind if she had the same condition as i do. i hate being on my period lol is it gross to wonder how another girls period blood tastes? i would still eat her out if shes on it, as long as she isnt dirty. i guess i wouldnt want to date a girl who smokes i dont think, smokers breath is rancid. depends though as i do like the taste of certain cigars and such, i dunno how that affects a girls mouth in terms of taste. all i have is my mom to compare that too, as she would insist on kissing me on the lips a lot. id be so loyal and deciated as a partner. id be entirely dedicated. id die for her. id kill for her. id torture someone for her. sometimes i wonder if a girl ever cheated on me, would i kill her? because the thought of killing a woman is equally hot, the power that would bring. id be so hurt if someone were to do that to me, to cheat on me. i already feel inadequate. i already want to die. i dunno how i would react. i wouldnt wanna do something like that since then people would look at me as a bad person and overall try to talk about me where they dig stuff up and so on, i wouldnt be able to control the narrative they make about me. and plus i guess it would be wrong, it would be wrong to kill someone over something petty like being cheated on as why waste your freedom for someone so lowly? but something about a woman possibly cheating on me with a man, though, that would send me over for many reasons. she would be putting my health at risk. though i think the hypocritical part about all that is i wouldnt mind being a homewrecker when it comes to a straight women. like god, the thought of a straight woman cheating on her boyfriend with me sounds so hot. and yet if it was a girl cheating on her girlfriend, i wouldnt be into it because thats fucked uo. i just wanna be better than a man. i want another woman to fuck me as her pathetic boyfriend cant pleasure her the way I could.
I do gotta say, my morals are always consistent. I never wanna hurt someone unless they hurt others or me, thats something I feel like people should grow out of by the time they reach their 20s. People act like wanting to do that in general makes you a terrible person and yet that takes away from the fact people go through things, you are a byproduct of your enviorment. Of course you are gonna want to hurt others when thats been normalized being done to you. I think about that when I causally mention the whole killing people stuff, Id never want to kill an innocent person. If anything I was scared of having those thoughts growing up, I would have them and it would scare me. I think its OCD related, maybe intrusive thoughts? Yet blood does excite me. Its harmless if theres consent in regards to BDSM stuff. And I would never trick someone into giving consent like I see people try to get away with. Unlike Theo, I am not a heartless person who likes to hurt innocent people just for the hell of it then go onto act like Im some type of good moral person. I wouldnt make a move on someone, even if it doesnt harm them like sneaking into their room to do that stuff like i mentioned prior, without their consent. Id just keep those ideas to myself and maybe theyll bring it up sometime, or ill ask if its something like choking or whaever. I have respect for people. I have respect for God.
I think my body looks nice for the stage it is in. Soon Ill have visible abs with more musuclar arms. I am hoping a woman would be able to look past my face and see that I take care of myself. I used to be way chunkier, I gotten over so many vices my friend. I put in the work for her.
Reason to keep living: Soon I will live a humble life working a fair-waged job in my own apartment. Every Friday night I go hang out with friends, spendong my leisure time fishing, hunting, playing chess, video games, and working on my latest art project. Every time I come from work, I will have a loving soulmate to come home to, in all her beauty. She will be the loveliest person I have ever met, my twin flame.