June 30th, 2025
Introduction
Finally settled on what I want to do, figured why not use this place to write my final thoughts in a cohesive manner as opposed to using it to blow off steam in the moment through rants and ravings, I already have a journal to do that. 61 days. Sixty-One entire days left, I hope to make every last day count. I guess you can consider it depression, yet unlike normal people with depression there's really no hope for people like me.
I think about how much joy I have for life and it almost makes me want to change my mind. I have lived with so few belongings most of my adult life, I always wanted to get an Xbox 360 just like the one I'd play on as a kid, the one my brother owned. Always wanted to get into Call Of Duty, to be able to get a new computer so I can play Minecraft on it and join some servers, always wanted to go to a concert, especially to see AJJ (my favorite band) in person. But I don't think I will be able to do that, I haven't been able to find a job since I got out of the hospital. I have no money in my bank account and the credit score I worked so hard on is fading away. I could make money off of my art but I don't feel worth it, am insignificant.
Last night I messaged Theo for once, wanting to be a good person about things within my final days. But it brought back so much, I felt pathetic. I was never worth it. I got everything I wanted in regards to self control and no longer being a toxic, dysfunctional person in DMs. I am no longer dependent on anything either. I got what I wanted and surpassed everyone who ever doubted me or made fun of me in terms of self improvement, including Theo. Yet I am alone, I am alone and it's not really my fault for once. I can't help but kick my self for trying to kill myself in April, yet things were even more hopeless then. I had it planned out but not really, I don't know why I decided to overdose and not go with the original plan I had in mind. Although to be fair, I was perpetually high, getting high as soon as I woke up. I wasn't thinking straight, and now that I don't have any vices like that to cling onto, things are gonna be different.
I just miss Theo, I can't imagine waking up one day to find out he's dead. I long for human connection. Messaged him again, I never expect anything back, if anything I know he will never respond, but that doesn't stop me from trying to be positive, trying my best to influence him toward a better life. Or her. I don't know. Him.. Her.. When we all die, biological sex is irrelevant. Part of me wants to be remembered as Wumbo, not my real name. Wumbo or ns0mnby, either or. I'm a proud woman, I just don't want my legal name to be associated with me. Ever since I was a kid, I tried to distance myself from my own name, it's nothing new. Scarlett, Kat, Alex, Mandy, Elliante. Wumbo is the only one I truly felt a kinship with, even when I would refer to my name as Ellie I would still use the nickname Wumbo online. And as for ns0mnby, well I am Him. He's me. It's complicated, it's something I feel like I would only ever understand much like a lot of things, much like GC's existence and so on.
TheSunVanished on Discord, as in the person with that username, finally accepted my friend request and asked me who I was. I tried asking if I could have their name and they (politely) said no as they had that username for 2 years. If only I had access to the Boydirtsnow2000 username, that's the one I want most of all. It only got taken recently which kinda makes me paranoid, as I remember talking openly not too long ago how I wanted that name. After all, it's so particular. What are the odds someone else used that exact same reference as inspiration? I keep trying to friend request the person to no avail. As for ns0mnbys name, the person who took it must've been an alt account, they didn't change the default Discord icon thats been given to them.
Sometimes my loneliness gets so bad that I think about befriending Robyn, especially upon seeing how I managed to help her get TSV merch! I was so happy for her, I love helping people but I rarely get the chance. I am too shy though, and really I known her since she was still a minor, I know she's 19 and I am 24, which isn't that bad of an age gap, yet I still feel weird about it. I mean what if I get feelings for her? I mean she is a woman and my ass gets pretty desperate at times. I don't know. I long for a friend in general though, but upon remembering what's going to happen, maybe it's for the best I stay alone. Then again if I had friends, I wouldn't feel like I'd need to go through with it. Better safe than sorry, honestly. This year is special, I'd have to wait another ten years just to be able to leave on that date. I'm scared Theo isn't even going to be alive in the next ten years, so what's the point. I'd lose it, man. I'd lose my fucking mind if I found out Theo died before the 61 days, I'd end it all right then and there. I can't live without her. Or him. I don't want to live in general but at least she's here. Or him.
I feel like a horrible person for caring at all. I'm not enabling anyones behavior, I don't condone what she/he does, I don't condone lolicon or shotacon and all that stuff, but I'd be one HELL of a hypocrite to morally grandstand as if I don't have experience. I know more than her/him. Usually that would come across as arrogance but for this it's just the truth, I am a veteran in terminally online degeneracy compared to him, I am more experienced in degeneracy in general. For fucks sake, I am more experienced in paganism than she/he is, I was RAISED pagan. I was raised pagan back when paganism and stuff like magic-nonsense was socially unacceptable, now you see that stuff be promoted in places like Target.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't into morally bad things, but I am doing my best to not indulge in such thoughts. I try my best to not indulge in sexual thoughts in general anymore, sometimes I am forced to touch myself because of female blue balls but that's it. I try not to indulge in anything like that because there's no point. Why think about it if I will never be able to be sexually active? It's like whatever, man. Whatever. I am closer to divinity by ignoring my biological urges that the average animal gives into on an impulsive level. When you gain self control ontop of self awareness, you become God-like. You have the power to do whatever you want. For me though, I have a personality of someone with a devotion to a cause. I can only control myself, therefore I find the process of seeking out potential friendships and relationships through trial and error as undesirable. I see no purpose in all that. It's like I see things through a mechanical lens. If I can't be devoted to something, why live? You could argue that I am devoted to Theo, yet Theo wants nothing to do with me. I am devoted to AJJ but they are just a band, same thing with The Beverly Hillbiillies, it's just a TV show. And it's not like I can move on to become devoted to someone else, people are uncomfortable by that. No one likes a stalker even if they come across as an overly obsessive fan instead of something harmful. I'm not saying that's bad, it just is what it is. As for politics and communities, again people are so fake about it. Why devote yourself to a cause if the people that are supposed to be on your side does not care about the actual cause? They only care for personal gain. It's nonsense. I may be devoted but I do not believe in blind worship. I am not a fool. So what good am I here then? I see no enjoyment in merely pursuing my hobbies, I don't see the point in it. I love life and the beauty of it, but I want to be useful. I want a purpose, I want to devote myself to something fully yet there's nothing for me. I don't want to lead, I want to follow and enforce. I'm militant to an extent, it is to my own detriment. I hope after death, I can help Theo if possible. I'll face the music regardless of the outcome, but I do hope I can be of service to someone in a positive way. I have a lot of energy, surely that has to go somewhere. I have no one waiting for me, no one I remember, the only thing I can think is past pets, that's it. I wouldn't want to "reunite" with my family if they were healed, that's how much I barely know them. If I wanted to talk to strangers, I would've stayed alive.

July 1st, 2025
I often ponder, maybe I should live, and let Theo perish. With the world changing and this NPC pandemic being slowly rolled back, maybe I should just accept Theo as one of the brainwashed causalities. Just another victim of the status quo. It isn't my fault he ended up the way he did, it isn't anyones fault aside for the people who control algorithms and Big Phamra. He had everything going for him, and even in his current state he is well off than most people, that's despite his poor choices, as he is so well off that he doesn't have to struggle with the effects of his poor choices physically, only mentally.
And yet that doesn't really fix my problem now does it. What am I to do? I love life, looking into history and art and all that, it's impossible to not feel inspired. With how much I've overcame, I feel pretty liberated in a sense. Life is a constant internal battle for me. 60 days left now. Reminds me of the song "Should I stay or should I go?" by The Clash. I've been listening to their music again lately, I love their music videos in particular. When am I not listening to music? When I talk about being a fan of AJJ, I mean I am literally in the 1% of listeners just on Spotify alone. I don't think anyone has listened to AJJ as much as I have, just like how there's no one who thinks about Theo as much as I do, or have watched The Beverly Hillbillies as much I did.
Maybe when Theo dies, I could write a book about him, a biography, a cautionary tale. Donate the money earned to charities. Make something postitive come from all this. If only he knew the person he could be, so much potential, if only he would stop worshipping the people who have nothing good to give to the world, the people who are merely in it to fuel their ego in the most narccisstic way possible, crabs in a bucket tearing each other down, ensuring they don't leave the miserable, victim syndromne faux communal cesspool. There is no excuse in the world for their narcissism, abled bodied biological men with more money than most low income people in this econony, able to spend it mostly on hednositic junk while living in an well off city, able to afford to go to events. I would joke about how these people outta go to the hood or some foreign slave-labor country, maybe just watch a fucking docmentary about the "minorities" these people love to claim to care about. Minorities that don't live in well-off city neighborhoods, who aren't abusive.
If you have talent with physical proof in regards to your worth, why be a mere follower for dsyfunctional addicts who suck the joy out of everyday life by their constant pity parties and fake motivation, fake progress? There's this saying one of my favorite Youtubers would mention: "If I want your results, I'll take your advice". If you want to be a failure, listen to other failures. Just because they can act like they aren't a failure online doesn't mean they are any less of a dysfunctional piece of garbage. In regards to their art, it is stagment and uninspired. They are nothing people. Anyone who gone through and overcame (keyword: overcame) the worst life had to offer, I'm talking as severe as sex trafficking and being a child soilder, would look at these people and their beliefs in sheer disgust, thinking how someone could be so selfish and egotisitcal. No healthy functional person, no matter who they are or what they gone through, would EVER look at these people as anything other than narcisstic pathetic losers with an unwarranted martyr complex. They are the homoeopathic healers of the world, the MegaChurch priests, the Bitcoin billionaires, except the only common ground they share with those people is being a pathetic, incapable fake loser coming from a middle class background masquerading as someone who knows more than the average person.
If Theo dies while living like this, no one would look at him as anything other than someone who fallen from grace by hanging out with the wrong crowd. They would say "wow, he should've gotten help, if only people didn't enable his psychotic disorder instead of feeding into it". I just want to believe that Theo is smart, I want to believe he is capable of not being this retarded. I didn't start obsessing over him due to thinking he was incapable, I always saw him as an underdog. The moment he made Cave OF Shadows, people saw him as a prentious tone-death copycat, when he fumbled TheSunVanished, he is seen as just another annoying pretentious creator with mid writing skills who can't finish anything he makes. He could prove them wrong, man. But he will never do that as long as he continues to surround himself with these people who make every criticism directed at him be proven right. He wants to call me crazy, but I am not the one into lolicon, I am not into the one who can't handle a relationship and has to resort to being with people who quite literally cuck him as opposed to staying single and working on himself, I ain't the one into diaper trannies, I ain't the one who went from looking like some average dude to Adam Lanza with a wig on, I ain't the one addicted to social media, I ain't the one addicted to porn, I ain't the one who believes in "sigils" and "le magic" that's being boosted by a bunch of degenerates with nothing to show for themselves in regards to being responsible, self reliant people other than incel dudescience disgused as "twansss, we're so twanns". Even in terms of troonery, they are bottom of the barrel quacks. Is this the mess he wants to be? Is this how he wants his legacy to be remembered? Just a sad pathetic display of unchecked mental illness and addiction. When even your own stalker outperforms you and has more self awareness.
All this talk about me living, I forget there's nothing to really live for. Yeah, life is beautiful, but so is Russia, does that mean I'd want to live in Russia? No. If I die, I could have a chance to save Theo. I could finally be of worth for once. I consider it moreso wishful thinking than delusion, as I know it is implausible, but so are ghosts. I want to believe. It's really me feeling suicidal then coming up with some grade A copium.