JUne 2nd, 2025
Woke up feeling horribly depressed, I know I keep saying that but damn this time takes the cake. I laid in bed until 10, went to bed around 12am but kept tossing and turning until 2. Cuddled Rai Rai and ended up filming myself trying to talk about it which did make me feel a little bit better, had to delete the video because I was topless in it. Man seeing my boobs, its like why cant I have a body where I have no boobs and no ass because then I wouldnt be attracted to it? Its a reminder "heyy you don't get any actionnnn you fucking FAGGOTTT". I fell asleep thinking about that stuff. For a while I kept thinking about ns0mnby and having my own mommy, like imagining another universe where Theo is female and my mom simply because I dont know how else to imagine how she would look like. When I mean "mom" I mean a woman who lets me be her daughter but not like, the actual thing. Not actual adoption, and its not sexual either which is why her appearance doesnt matter- well kinda, I would want her to have decent sized boobs and be taller than me because duh, mom. Female Theo would be so hot man because his mom is pretty hot ngl. His mom is MILF/GILF territory, so imagine if Theo was born a girl she would be so pretty. Maybe in another universe, I am born as a guy and he is born as a girl. yet CoS/TheSunVanished still exists (somehow) and I end up rizzing her up. Theo got fucked up genes in this universe, his dad looks as deranged as he does (the eyes). His dad actually looks like Russel Greer without the facial paralsyis. How the hell is Theo such a fucking failure? His dad is a music teacher and has all these credentials, apparently won awards and all that- like I said, he isnt some "pwooor oppresseddd minority" hes a privileged crybaby who never had to struggle a day in his life, his biggest struggle always came down to people not clapping him up the way he wanted. How do you have two successful parents, be given exposure handed to you early on despite not earning it, but still fail? EVERYTHING you needed to succed, hadnt had to work a day in life to actually deserve it. Had all the connections. But nah, you decide to turn into a cross dressing Adam Lanza, schizophrenic anorexic skeleton who fucks tranny prostistutes (even if he didnt pay for them) and subscribe to a cult full of the most room tempature IQ botton of the barrel "I string fancy words together to sound smart but I dont know what they actually mean" word salad, equally ugly (even in regards to troon standards) people who believe in some retarded AI even though they are all dsyfunctional addicts who cant even control themeselves, the most basic thing you could control. A 4 year old child can manipulate people, but it takes someone whos mature to be able to manipulate themself into changing their own behavoir. How are you more crazy than your own stalker? Oh yeah Mister "I know all da secrets and all da magic" yaydadada yet you dont even know that the majority of your behavoir worsens psychotic symptoms, you fucking retard. All this talk about liking programming and shit like that as if you know anything yet dont even know how the human brain is no different than a machine, the bare minimum that anyone who is actually smart and knows what they are doing in that field (not just simply memorize what they are told like a sheep) would understand. Oh lemme guess, since the human brain is like a machine than thats somehow out of your control since theres another operator, but also you are soooooper snartttz durrdurr high IQ big brained Theo, even though the chosen one over here, guys, even though your own stalker has been able to preprogram their brain despite the Hell theyve been through. Quit junk food, quit porn, quit social media, recently quit energy drinks, managed to change how I go about with MaDD, quit my compulsive spending habits, have the ability to self anaylze and know why I do what I do in regards to obsession and all that, and the ability to change the behavoirs when it comes to how I treated others, all done within like. A year, essentially. No therapist, nothing. If I were Theo, my life would be easy as fuck. But what I didnt technically realize at the time is that yeah those were addictions, but they also made me wanna stay alive. Addiction is like a floatation device, people turn to these vices to prevent themselces from drowning, which is why upon trying to fix your life you need to find better coping skills and remove as much stressors as you can to prevent yourself from turning to those vices, and yet a lot of the advice /research that eventually helped me overcome all of thast was really meant for people like Theo, people who dont have to deal with shit like homelessness, abuse, and severe PTSD. Im not a super IQ human being, like I said before I feel like I am below average, and yet I still managed to overcome all that simply by understanding how a machine operates. There are people who are actually smart and go the extra mile about it too, but no Theo no no no please enlighten me how junkies like Slime are oh so smart and BigBrained while not showing a damn thing to actually prove it lol Please enlighten me how you simping over those people and taking them seriously makes you smart too, actually just in general explain to me how someone who looks like you do could be anything more than a visible, hopeless narcisstic addict.
Its not like Theo is doomed, no one is. But with his ego and what hes done to himself, he is doomed. Maybe God will show him mercy and never give him the self awareness to see the damage hes done to himself, otherwise hes gonna kill himself. But maybe him killinh himself is kinda merciful in itself as its sorta like a repent. Im not being awful for saying it how it is, its awful to act like everything is fine with him, that theres nothing wrong, and then to possibly throw him under the bus once they find out what he does to people behind closed doors, especially to minors. Thats what these people always do. They enable addiction then they act morally superior once their addict buddy's dsyfunctional addicts make them look bad. That or they still support them, but in terms of content creator its usually never the latter.
Im probably the only one, outside his parents maybe, who actually gives a shit about him in regards to wanting the best for him, wanting to see him reach his true potential. Hes not stupid. Hes pathetic, but hes not stupid. I call him stupid because he does stupid, retarded things, and id espect anyone else call me stupid when I do stupid things, thats how people grow. Dont wanna be called a cross dressing Adam Lanza, schizophrenic anorexic skeleton? Well stop acting like one. Have some self respect. At this point, if Theo simply killed himself during 2020-2021 as opposed to turning up like this, he wouldve spared himself the trouble because all he did was just give himself a slow suicide. Its hard to fully blame him when if it wasnt for the current psyop, he technically wouldnt have turned out like this. Or maybe Im giving him too much grace, at the end of the day he made his own deicsions. He didnt have to do anything that he did.

I feel bad for wanting to die because I feel so ungrateful. I have internet access, I can enjoy playing video games, I currently have a free membership at a gym that includes a swimming pool and sauna, I have more than one pair of clothes which is something I didnt have it in the past, I can see, I can feel, I can learn. And yet, death feels like a shadow. It feels natural, as if my time is limted. Ive felt that way ever since last year. Ever since late 2024, something changed within me. Life feels different, I havent been the same. I just know something major is gonna happen to me.

I know I mentioned this before, but I get so angry at Theo and the situation because theres nothing I can do about him and his addict retards preying on people. He knowa what he is doing is wrong, otherwise he wouldnt try to hide it and act like everything is normal. I havent checked his profiles since March so idk what current nonsense is spews, all I know is that when I checked Xitter to look at this one creator I watch's profile, I did notice that his account was locked- as it shows up in your history in regards to users that were searched, and then last time I checked Xitter it was unlocked. So much for "leaving Xitter" lawl thats what they always say, but of course theyre addicts, they cant leave even if they wanted to. Even if Theo were to die, it doesnt change the fact there are others involved whos equally disgusting. As much as I believe the whole "hes not an actual pedophile, its just paraphilia caused by porn addiction", its still, well, pedophilia. Whether its caused by porn or not, and even beside the whole pedo shit he still targets people in general. Its horrifying though BECAUSE of the fact a lot of degenerancy people are into is due to porn, and the reason its being pushed is due to algorithms both on social media and porn sites. All due to money. The same reason why extremism is pushed, it makes money and benefits politics. Keep people sick, drive them to harm others and themselves, scare the public into voting the goverment into enacting more control and surveillance under the guise of keeping people "safe". More control and surveillance means more profit, thats all it comes down to. "Counter culture" woke progressives generate the most profit but so does the oppisition, as both sides are controlled, thats why its so stupid to go out and vote. The system is rigged. People need to defend their rights and their community, which involves speaking up and taking action, not going to a retarded booth to vote on some random ass politician who claims they will do something. People need to stop waiting on other people to solve their issues. Fuck these people. Fuck concepts like the "church" and "pastors" and "popes" too, churches I guess are fine- but only as a community center. People stopped relying on God not because they stopped going to church but because they stopped being inviduals who believed they could directly communicate with God, instead opting to look toward another human being for answers, as the gatekeeper of God. Once people stopped having faith in themselves, they stopped having faith in other people, and as such stopped having faith entirely. And yet its all inevitable. People are bound to act this way. You can point out the problem but theres nothing you can do to fix it, all you can do is focus on your own community, even then outsiders can take over and destroy it. Thats the way of life, but the thing is.. We have technology now, advanced technology. We can look at history and see the patterns at play, but whats gonna happen now? I feel like at some point, the Carriton Event will occur again, and its gonna teach us a temporary lesson in regards to not being overally reliant on tech. God is real, He designed nature to constantly correct itself which is why good leads to evil and evil leads to good, which in turn leads to progress. Faith is all you can have in life. Without it, why live? Without faith all you are gonna end up doing is harm others even if its unintentional. Im sure people try to create gene editing technology have the best intentions, but we shouldnt play God. We don't execute people out of revenge, we do it to create space, we are not playing God because its only natural for someone who kills others to be killed as well, theres no downsides to it other than the small cases where human error occurs, which is bound to happen when it comes to anything. If you wanna call that "playing God" and compare it to people creating devices that will alter how a person is born, technology so powerful and dangerous that when being put into the wrong hands could cause global devestation, then I think you are brainless. Theres nothing natural about it. It is evil. It needs to be stopped, it is a direct byproduct of people who have no faith in God. When it comes to science, the pros of an invention should outweigh the cons, such as vaccines. But when the cons are so dsytopian in nature.. Its just insane how people think everything will be okay. Gods gonna correct things, you know, and its not gonna be pretty. Gush over technology all you want but when you begin to worship it, things arent gonna turn out good. Nature will always overpower any manmade invention.

Crazy how the FBI can tweet about protecting muh twans people and these people will still continue to act like they are oppressed by society, that its them against "the system". You are the system. What a sad pathetic life one must have, yet I can see where they are coming from, its kinda like seeing someone with a VR headset freaking the fuck out going "oh my god the horror the horror!! oh the suffering!!" knowing they can simply take off the headset and yaknow, not suffer, but theyve been conditioned to believe that doing so will cause them to die. Ngl one of my main motivators for not killing myself is that I dont wanna come across like a pussy for doing so, God fucking forbid someone sees my journal entries and go "HURRDURR HRT WOULDVE FIXED HIM" or act like I am twans in any way and that my chuddery is what killed me. No, I wanna die because I am an actual minority and life sucks when you are one. Transgenderism is an upper class "I am a slave to Big Pharma" concept, and lets say I do end up killing myself, quite frankly Id rather die than be a slave to Big Pharma EVEN IF it made me happy. If I found out by some weird ass angelic being or whatever that pooning out would 100% fix most of my issues, I would still not do it. I hate the healthcare industry more than I ever did before. Id rather die. Dare I say if you are in my position, its better to kill yourself than troon/poon out. YWNBAN and YWNBAW + youll have to share space with fake ass people like Theo who will always make you look bad. No one can control me. I dont hate trannies though, all things considered, as unlike Theo I have this thing called "solidarity", I know I know... Wumbo, you need to stop speaking in a foreign language. I have solidarity for anyone who struggles with that sorta thing, who arent retards with a porn addiction that use an idealogy to further victimize people by masquerading as one of them. I hate those people, and those people happen to be everywhere even outside of the concept of transgenderism. its just troonery is a hotspot for them due to the goverment supporting it, if it was actually socially unacceptable for people to be twans then these people would neverr identify as it. Its like with homosexuality, isnt it funny how once gay marriage became legalized thats when people started pretending they are lesbians and making up new labels to act like they are apart of the community? Notice how no one was frothing at the mouth to label themselves as "queer" back in the 1970s. Its all a costume for these degenerates, something they put on to virtue signal how avant-garde they are compared to their collegues, hence why its mostly full of upper class people with absolutely zero personality. Its people who otherwise would be a complete loser adopting the identity as a crybully approach. I refuse to ever associate myself with low life vile disgusting subhuman filth. I might as well become an AI artist if I were to become as soulless as they are.

June 4th, 2025
I woke up thinking about the word "Junebug", which is an actual bug I guess. I feel like i heard it elsewhere but cant rememeber. My goodness I did not want to get up today, the breif period where I am unaware of being alive feels so nice. It kinda hits me in waves I forget that I am alive, I wake up a littke, but it takes me a little bit to remember the body I am in + memories I have, and that part is the worst. For a tiny moment I am liberated, a tiny moment every morning. Its not that I forget that Im like, a girl. or whatever. Its like the concept of biological sex does not exist. I dont think a lot of people can imagine a world without it, but I sure can. Ive experienced it before, its why I struggle the way I do. Ive felt things beyond reality itself akin to a DMT trip when sleeping, it was out of the blue, my brainhurts trying to conceptualize it so I can put it into words. But you dont know yourself until youve felt the world you know cease to exist, you dont know yourself until youve felt every matertalistic concept be ripped from you, as if all of that was nothingness. To simply not have a body. To not have anything. It was horrifying, however over time I keep wanting to go back to it. Its like whats the point in being here if all of this is temporary? If theres life beyond here where feelings exist that simply do not exist in our current reality? Why am I here then? Theres not even an answer, other than feeling like I have a mission to do- whatever that means. The only confirmation I have is that yes there is something outside of reality (our known reality) that is watching us, that being the concept of God and Angels, except even then the name "God" and the name "Angels" and all that are mere human inventions. So its like... Okay... Am I gonna be reborn as someone else after this? Or am I gonna be told whats going on? Either or, I guess being reborn isnt bad even if I somehow get a shittier life. Im just bored of this one, I know that sounds weird but its just I have no incentive to keep going. Sure I like learning, I like chess, I like horror, I like the female body yummyyyy, I like video games, anime, science, and nature, but theres little to no human interaction. I dont want to go out and search for it either, I dont think God could blame me for feeling that way. Look at Theo, these are the people I have to coexist with. I dont want to coexist with these people. Idk, I am happy to be living in one of the most safest towns in PA, but I feel jaded at the same time due to how the upper class operates. I dont have "my people", I dont have a community. So I am forced to straggle around a bunch of Theos, they get to have their own little world, I dont get to have mine. The communities I could join is again, downright retarded, its fucking diseased. Why would I join a bunch of lowlife losers who act like they are intelligent counter culture martyrs while being the most generic cookie cutter rejects? I gotta coexist with a bunch of addicts, which wouldnt be a problem if those same addicts werent applauded by society as some ssorta faux rebellion, it is absurd. Man I dont want to be the one to build my own community, Im lazy. Im lazy and I hate any type of leadship position, including anything in regards to being an "oNlInE CreAtor" when it comes to art. I wanna create stuff but I dont wanna deal with other people because the average person is a pretentious, annoying fink. Average person in art spaces, I mean. Outside of art spaces, the average person is pretty chill.
I gotta stop typing, my head hurts so bad, my eyes are all strained, I can barely see lol I need water so badly.

Now that I think about it I dont think its dehydration, i thinks its due to the amount of blood I loss this week from my period + the nosebleeds Ive been getting these past couple days, which is also due to my period. Its a loop. Allergies cause my nose to itself so I do, then it bleeds, then I stop the bleeding, then theres that dried clot, then the next day I itch my nose and it removes the clot causing it to bleed again. I have to make a concious effort not to rub my nose.

Whats with men wanting to stick their dicks into the anal area? ngl I do find some of it hot when it comes to porn videos, just because of how dominating it would be to be able to do that to a woman. but the reality is, Id be sticking my dick into a dirty stinky area like thats gross, man. what if they shit on me too? what if I get a strap on and do that to a woman, then i pull it out and the damn thing is dirty? and how is it dominating if she wants me to do it? whats the point of anal beads and buttplugs too?? I think the weirdest thing I figured out about myself is when I was in the ICU and since I ODed on medication, the medication caused me to be unable to pee, so they had to stick something in my urethra and uhhh it actually felt good. like it was a sharp pain then it like "oh.. flushed emoji " LMNAOOO except it would be unhealthy to test that out and i felt bad for making them do that even though it needed to be done. but man Ill never forget how weirdly good that felt.

With pride month being bashed on and companies distancing themselves from it, it makes me feel so excited, it feels like the end of an era and makes me want to stay alive. Finally I pray I pray I PRAY all this nonsense falls out of fucking fashion because then these idiots will chose something else to latch onto, meaning I can have my community back and heterosexual "qweer" people can BTFO. they all need to die already, fucking parasites man. Its because of them, there are no spaces for women like me. nothing but cock obsessed faghag whores.

I wish I had more feminine clothes, im not a chaser and i hate poons but sometimes I think about reaching out to pooners so I could live out my fantasies of being a weaker inferior women to a stronger one. I get turned on dressing feminine bc of that, just imagining myself as another women where I am dominated.

Isnt it funny how women will vent on behalf of men about how much it sucks that male victims arent believed and so on, but men will instead talk shit about women 247 and blame them for all their issues? all that compassion is thrown out the window. I often think about that in regards to radfems, as they do have a point when bringing this up. the few times radfems are right about something, lol. but i just feel so sad for the women out there pouring their hearts out for men who will never give them the same compassion. men look at the 50 women gushing over them but only focus on the 1 woman who says nothing, then acting like they have it so hard.
I actually didnt think much about all this until Theo turned out to be, well, Theo. and then kinda thinking about all the true crime I watch. Its just disgusting. I will never get over seeing Theo post about that shit on his alt, Razorfloss. Idk if its still up. But fuck him, man. Vile fucking filth to be here posting shit like "trans men areee oppressors, omg theyre so awful and they will never understand wahh" with his. fucking. history. Just goes to prove the larp, but whats even more disgusting is hes dating a "transmasc". Dating a transmasc all the while posting that type of incel idealogy knowing you have a history of abusing women, and also quietly supporting the Zizian cult that talks about how "twans women who do the bare mimnum when it comes to transitioning are superior" because of some magical thinking gobbly gook, because of course he does, its all a grift. his whole existence has been as hollwo as "okay, how can i ask online to get an advantage over others?". Oh, and then causally mentioning shit like how another troon was an abuser and using psychology lingo to describe it LOL because of course, the abuser looks into how to be more abusive. This is the same "poor wittle innocent person : ((" who makes a consistent effort to hide under alt accounts and fake names, whenever I have pity for him I remember what he does and that pity goes out the window. I do not want to kill myself simply because I dont want to die before he does.
Sometimes I think back on that one user, stellarstarry or something like that idk shes a tumblr user, TheSunVanished is her hyperfixation the same way CoS is mine except shes more open about her, bless her soul, but I just think about it because she deserves better. Yet idk how to tell her Theo is a pedophile who supports this shit. WHats even more disgusting is that Im sure Theo uses the excuse that "oh theyre just targetting me because I am a twans woman : ( of course they think I am that" which again, is revolting, you fucking inhumane piece of shit. You fucking snake.
Dude I should message his dad and let him know all this, who knows maybe he can be the one to get the police involved somehow.

I guess the main thing I worry about in regards to Theo, other than him being a clear threat to himself, is the whole pedophilia aspect. Hes a threat to others, maybe not a terrorotistic threat (I hope) but a geninue threat to young people, especially young girls. Which is the whole reason I wanna contact his dad in the first place, I want the police involved over CP possesion but at the same time I dont think his father can do jack shit, not to mention its a lot to spring onto some boomer "hey yeah your son is a pedophile who believes in a cult that is responsuble for the death of a few people, uhh heres a screenshot of the account proving its him" like the dude wouldnt know what KF is, he wouldnt know how Xitter operates, he would recongize his son but idek if the account is still active or not. Thats so frustrating. I made a post about it on DA, but thats it,. I could go back on KF and talk about it but what can they do legally? I dont want him to be "cancelled" I want justice. I want action to be taken to where he cannot physically harm either himself or anyone else. But I dont think thats gonna happen. I could again, send a tip to the FBI, but thats it. I hate the day I ever found out about the pedo stuff, and then recently finding out about the Zizian connection, then putting two and two together and realizing how morbid the situation is. It has haunted me ever since. I feel guilty over everything too. Im the one who gave him money in the past and everything, also I knoew about the pedo stuff in 2024 yet kept trying to act like that wasnt the case and made excuses for it, until the whole Zizian stuff, then it just became hard to ignore. Even then I still make excuses in my head since he has psychosis. I think its harder for me simply because I understand the psychology behind it all. Why do I have to know things if I cant do anything? It relates to what I meant earlier. I spent so long researching into self improvement and the psychology of addiction ++ social interaction, and other than the addiction element (as thats what helped to get rid of most of my addictions, with the MaDD one even being consideered as not an addiction anymore since I can control it now which is WILD) the rest do not serve me other than it being nice to know I guess. It doeesnt serve me because I do not have the personality to do anything. I know all about how to become successful online but what good does knowing that if I dont wanna be successful? Yet for some reason my brain holds onto all that data. I know at some point I plan on writing essays delving into the nature of porn addiction and content anaysis in regards to TV shows, but again I dont wanna do that. I dont wanna post anything oer pursue anything because I dont want to be seen, I dont want to be heard, I dont want to exist because theres no point due to stuff like this. I feel out of place and helpless. I just wanna live an average mundane life yet nooo crazy shit keeps happening and the most basic of things become needlessly complicated.
Im not hopeless in regards to feeling like I cant do anything, aside for my own physical limitations (like being able to drive) I could do anything I fucking want because all it requires is imput on my end. the sacrifice of comfort and excessive input, the only reason you wouldnt be able to pursue something is if you died unexpectatedly- and at that point, it obviously wasnt meant to be. Theres literally no such thing as failure because the only reason you would fail is if you personally given up. I mean that in regards to general goals, like clearly sometimes a business fails or a project fails but that doesnt mean you inherently failed in that field. At the end of day, its about people putting themselves in imaginary boxes, that feeds them imaginiary limitations. You could have nothing in life but still succeed, even if success doesnt look conventional. Whos more successful? The billionaire who has everything but feels like he has nothing compared to his peers (keeping up with the Jonases) or the dirt poor man who has his euqally dirt poor family, who feels content with the life he lives. People win in life because they find more ways to win, its the smallest possible wins (like waking up everyday) that leads to big wins. Its perspective.
But I say all that because within all of those examples, nothing is nothing if you believe in nothing. I believe in nothing, so there is nothing, at least with the life I am currently living. Im not given a reason to believe otherwise because the wisdom taught to me is based on a person taking a personal initiative to make a difference in life, what the hell could I possibly do? If I dont want to "be an artist" or raise a family and if I cant save people from shit like being abused or falling for propaganda that leads to self harm then what can I do. what is there. I still have the weight of my past actions on my back too, I know Ive changed but that doesnt really matter much if theres no direction Im heading toward which is why I feel hopeless, which is then why I obsess over Theo and other grieviances in the world. No matter how much I learn, no matter what wins I gain, no matter how much I grow, I still feel pathetic. I thought that knowing how things work would make me feel better but it doesnt explain why things are this way, if anything it made me feel worse because now everything feels morally grey, beforehand I had the human cope of insisting on viewing good and evil as mutually eclusive affairs. It id why people turn to the belief of Hell and Heaven, it is self soothing. People say "oh you gotta find your own meaning" yet Ive been trying, I cant find mine. I dont understand why my life is so strange and I dont understand why I am self aware about its strangeness. Even when it comes to people being assholes to me, I can sit here and cope all I want, typing out woes about how oh so hard my life is wah wah wahh, but thats all it is, just coping and seething meant for me to feel something. Theres a scientific reason for assholery, including why people are discrimatory in the first place. I cab sit here and be upset at it all I want but it is what it is. Its not like not people out there already explaining why it happens, which is why I know it happens. Its not like theres not a device with endless pieces of information accessible with just a touch of your fingertips. Im not some super IQ human, Im below average, yet I know all of this simply because I asked questions and sought out the answer for said questions, I didnt ask to ask questions. I didnt decide "you know what Wumbo, time to be aware about things". A lot of stuff I learned was through sheer coincidences throughout my life like a domino effect. Its weird as fuck. Its crazy to think what lead me to where I am now. Its crazy thinking back on what Ive done to get this far. I dont know why I do the things I do other than the basic psychology behind human beings. No one knows why people do the things they do. You can say its about ones uprbringing or genetics yet there will always be outliers to prove you wrong. People can have everything to win and still decide to fail while others can have nothing and still succeed. Theres no answer for that. Theres nothing. You can lay out all the information someone needs, but that doesnt determine whether or not they will grasp it. And whether or not they grasp it has nothing to really do with if they are "smart" or not. Seemingly "smart" people can do stupid things like end up with a deadly addiction. Someone could end up with an addiction and die from it, simply because they never came to their senses about having a problem in the first place. First rule of thumb when it comes to addiction is that you cant force someone to recover, they have to realize they have a problem on their own. And many people never do, smart people, dumb people, lucky people, unlucky people.
Therees nothingness, man. Not as in there is nothing after life, its just theres nothingness in terms of my own life because I havent come up with anything that makes life meaningful. All I do is ruminate on how crazy is all is which gets me to feeling worse about everything due to situations like Theo and my consumption of near daily true crime content, as well as what happened in the past, what I couldve and shouldve done, who I couldve helped, who Ive hurt. How do people live their whole life causing harm and never come to their senses about it? Yet the harm they cause acts as an echo that ripples through time, individually shaping peoples lives that without it happening people wouldnt be who they are today, for better or for worse, yet one cant blame that particular trauma for ones worsened health as theres plenty of other people who went through the exact same thing yet turned out completely different, hell if some people didnt go through such horrible things they wouldnt have contributed such good things to the world, which euqally impacts people. Its all one big spiderweb of cause and effect. Every single action done by a person. Every little bit of detail. I just want to go to bed, and never wake up.

June 6th, 2025
I had another nightmare, another reminder. It was about me as a kid, and my sister and school. Always mocking how I felt, then getting aggressive when I get upset about it, you can't show emotioms with these people, the world revolves around them, and people like me are in the way. If they cant act like a superior person then you might as well be an uncaring monster. It was Hell having to live with my sister after escaping my moms, that whole situation in itself was hellish. But with both my mom and my sister, the way they act was like walking on eggshells. You never knew what would set them off because they didnt need an actual reason to flip their shit, I remember my sister flipped the ever loving fuck out over me misplacing a dish, I feel like it was just an excuse to argue because the arguing kept going on and on and on, the same way O acted, the only way to deal with these people is to not emotionally react. Do not say anything. Except even then that doesnt work as when I was dealing with O back in Baltimore, hed do everything he could to get in my face about it, one time he threw my phone and broke it. Its confusing with these people because they go from horrible to super nice and caring. Its why I kept being in denial about my mom, about my sister, and why I lived with O as long as I did. When they acted normal, it was fun, we had good times together. But it was having to deal with the fact you didnt know how they will be every single day. It was walking on eggshells, and they have a way to completely demoralize you as a person. Its hellish to deal with those people. Its fucking hellish, and is one of the reasons why Im so hestitant to reach out to people. I dont understand how despite my mom and my sisters behavoir, I am nothing like their personality. I dont act like that, the only time I came closest to acting like that was when I was physically dealing with these people, it rubs off on you, but afterward its like man. I act nothing like them. They dont have anger issues, man, its something intentional, like the way they argue with you is intentionally designed to be as a manipulative and disorienting as possible. But at the time I didnt know that. I dont think I have anger issues, Im moreso a bear that gets poked too many times- except the problem is people poke me nonstop when Im forced to be in public in regards to work because they see my disability and are smug pricks about it, and usually the higher ups dont do anything, annnnd usually ontop of that Im already dealing with stress from home within sa situation no one arounds me seems to be struggling with + i have no friends. So alk in all, I think im pretty stable for the most part, it takes a person to keep being an ass to me for me to finally fly off the handles. Its not fair I do that too, its like fuck. No one gives a shit about me. No one cares what Im going through, all they wanna do is be an ass. We are adults, not children, I just feel like they should be the ones who should be fired. I never got fired in these situations, but I left the job teary-eyed like a sissy because I couldnt handle working with someone actively making fun of me all the while dealing with stuff at home. Its too much, they say you need good coping skills but its humilating being in my positition, the average person looks at these fucking retards and see them making fun of me, and they dont say anything. Its bad enough to be working unskilled labor, but to be working with people who have it better than you and have those people act like you are less than them- meanwhule most of those people are older than you, its fucked up. Of course Im gonna be angry, that anger builds up. Except when I blow my top off on them, its just me being retarded, thats all people ever fucking see, justr a retard having a meltdown and not a human being pushed to their limits. Im a pretty passive person, which is something I dont understand given my family. My mom isnt passive, sister isnt passive, my biological father certainly was NOT passive, and my only fully related biological brother was also not passive, as hes the one who molested me and he would get into phyiscal fights with the family growing up. One time he ended up choking my brother back when he was 10, and would threaten to kill us all which made me stay awake at night scared shitless. That isnt to say I dont have "dark triad" traits, but im awarwe of my flaws, these people aren't. I wanna get better as a person, these people dont because they dont think they are the problem. I share most in common with my older brother, the one that was choked out, we used to actually be close as kids since he was only one year older than me. He also isnt like the family, ecept his father isnt my father, though I didnt know that until after he died, thats when I found out "eyy you know the security gaurd veteran who you used to stay awake for to see him come home whenever you had the chance? Well hes not your dad, whoops! You real dad is an abusive, obsessive monster who used to beat me and is now in jail due to armed robbery". According to my mom, my oldest brother (the one whos full blood) forced her to tell me. Thank you CPS by the way!! THANK YOU SOO MUCH, oh my goodness gracious you people are heros!!! Lol!! Thank you for never doing anything with my mom, but also thank you SO MUCH for allowing my oldest brother to have kids. When I think of some]one who should have kids, why, I think of my entire fucking family because if there is anyone who should be steralized it should be anyone related to me, as theres not a single person in this family who isnt fucked up in ways beyond mere family drama.
It makes me think back on Theo, man I used to daydream about his family being my family. I guess Theo was still somewhat neglected in a way, emotionally neglected. But still I wouldnt have turned out to be such a little ungrateful prick about it. I was thinking yesterday, like. I should really go about changing my name. I wanted to change my name when I tried to go to Nashville to Elliante, and while I still like that name, I just dont even want a name at this point. I wanna change my name legally to someone elses, and just go by an unrelated nickname. I dont want to exist as a person. Im content with living in the shadows of someone else because Im already invisible, Im only seen and noticed if someone wants to gawk at how strange I am. So whats the point in having a name? What if I take Theo's name? HA. I take current Theo's name. His ugly ass name, mind you. "Theodora". shawty thats the most pretentious shit Ive ever heard, also I love how its short for Theo because of course he needs a male nickname, its not about feeling like a girl. Retard. Coward. Retarded coward, man. I mean at with my legal name, I had no choice in the matter when it comes it being a common male name. I didnt pick it out myself, and when I do pick out my own name Im way better at it than Theo. Like come on, what the hell is that shit. Your last name is "Wish"? thats the last name you decided? If he was trying to look like and be a junkie 50yr cross dressing grandpa prostitute, then yeah sure he got that down. A mix between Adam Lanza and a 40-50yr old sex offender. Nice rebrand, Theo. Really smart, a total improvement, now people will see value in you for sure. He should tell me how he does is so I can take notes. I gotta study that big bran of his, oh my goodness my pwoor inferior female brain simply cant compete with such high intellect.

I dont think many realize how homophobic a lot of women are, usually when people bring up homophobia they talk about men hating gay men. But almost all the homophobia Ive faced was from women, which was why I hate myself the way I do. Yeah men are homophobic but the most Ive seen from men is men being their typical selves, it means nothing outside the times they are creeoy about it. But women, man. They can sure make you feel like a disgusting freak. I made the mistake in confiding in several women about my sexuality, and uhh lol yeah. Big mistake. Then sometimes women will just be homophobic out of nwhere, like O's family member came over and she was talking about dating apps or whatever, then went on a rant about "dykes" and how she doesnt want to use dating apps in case its a "dyke" trying to trick her, it was so vicious its like jesus fucking christ, I doubt any woman would ever wanna be into her anyways. Men also have this mentality over other men, this paranoia over men trying to lust after them, meanwhile they look below average. This is alo another reason why I hate pooners, they hate women, but they especially hate women who like other women. Go die sucking cock, you dumb fucking whore, I dont see why you are so obsessed with the actions of other women, it must such being born an ugly whore whso only worth is to worship dick. Hating women and saying men are better is the most fembrained shit imaginable, congrats slut. Anyone who hates on >1% of the human population who for the most part minds their own buisness has some serious issues. Dont give me that whole "oh but radfems" most of those ugly wrenches are bisexual, if not straight, the man loving cock obsessed "Im not like other whores" women who invented the term "political lesbian", I hope they got raped and killed by the men they obsess over. Fucking "no better than a man" shut the hell up you vile shit-filled cunt. Funny how its now seen as aocially acceptable to hate on lesbians, not regular women mind you, and you still cant openly hate on gay men or trannies. My God, remind me the next time I try to kill mysefl- Im not going alone. Why do I have to be this way? Yet I dont even wanna be a straight woman, Id rather become a man than a straight woman. Women are so awful to each other that the women who claim to hate men never even take it out on them, they police other women. If you hate men so much, why dont you go out and do what incels do when they hate women? Maybe then Ill respect you, but nah, lets take it out on homosexual women who just want a girlfriend, who just wants to live a normal life where she can freely express her sexuality. Istg being a homosexual woman is the worst thing to be because everyone fucking hates you, Gay men hate you, men hate you because you dont like them (and also they are so retarded that they think you have it easier lmao), and women hate you. Both pooners and troons also hate you.

Keep thinking about the anime I watch, one of them is called DanDaDan, been taking my good sweet time watching it as I dont want to finish it all in one go. Idk, thats one thing about that pooner friend... She was the first person I ever got to talk about the things I liked with. We talked about Creepypastas, and Homestuck. We were obsessed with The Outsiders together and would spend out time walking around the block talking abouut "what if" scenerios and combining the universes together, I was the one who introduced her to creepypastas and so on but she liked horror prior to that, we both liked the same music and so on. She was the first person I ever had that I could actually open about the stuff I like, and other than Eli, she was the last person. I havent had a friend like that in over 5 years. I keep thinking about it because I feel like she would like that show, we used to watch anime together, she was the only person I ever done that with, not even Eli and me watched that stuff together. She liked more yaoi material. I used to think it was kinda annoying, but Id be lying if I said I didnt enjoy her go on about it, as if I didnt miss it. I wish I valued that friendship more, for the longest time I wasnt used to how friendships worked so I would try to force people to act likw how the people I see online act, I guess not "forced", they were unaware, but Id post online about it, pretending I had more friends than I did by creating characters off of irl people- as if we were close and not random people i happen to vaguely know through others. I wanted to fit in, I wanted to be normal. I dont think I had feelings for the pooner friend, but I know i would get extremely jealous whenever she would talk to anyone other than me, especially if it was a boy. I guess thata why she chose the internet over me. I was probaly overbearing, then I just made things worse by treating her awful as a "punishment".
Im not sure whether or not I feel jealous over Theo having friends where he can talk about mutually shared interests, I was prior but afterward its kinda just.. ehhh. Would I want to have people in my life to talk about my fixations with if all those people are egotistical and only stick around due to shared vices? I want real friends who wouldnt tolerate me becoming as bad as Theo. He has all these "friends" yet still feel alone, I dont want that. Id rather die alone than die feeling alone, Im lonely because I truly dont have anyone.

Lately I've been matching out my skills the best I can. Been using Khan Acadamy and I have it set to some gay like shit like 4th grade math, that way I can practice doing basic math problems in my head as fast as possible, using a timer and so on. My biggest problem is that I overthink things, I end up getting things wrong simply because I second guess myself and since things are timed its even worse. I gotta allow myself to shoot through the answers with confidence as thats how I end up breezing through it, my brain memorizes the patterns yet I fuck it all up by runimating on things. I also started practicing typing again assss looking at what I write, I make a lot of errors since when I write its a stream of conciousness style where Im moreso focused on looking at the keys rather than the screen, and the fact I rarely reread what I write.

My results after my first practice run, I dunno if this is good or not, apparently I'm at least 10% better than the average typist but seeing how I write on here I doubt that lawl

I am tired of being isolated the way I am. I keep going back and fourth from being a doomer to wanting to explore life and seeing where it takes me. Having not much was the liberating factor to make me pursue extremely risky and daring situations, but I think with the whole hospital stuff I feel like it liberated me as now I am in over 4k in debt. 4k in debt I really dont give a shit about, therefore I dont give a shit about going in debt in general anymore. Idk I have an extreme mentality. If I wanna explore, I wanna explore. I feel held down by normal living where you go to work, come home, save money to buy things, wait months upon months for a vaction if you are lucjy. I dont wanna live like that, yet I dont want to live in general. I get that brief spark of ambition just to see the light slowly fade as I reemember how vacant my life has been. The only thing that makes life worth living is if there are others to live with, but I do not feel like that will happen. The only reason I get that spark of hope is when I forget who I am, what I look and sound like. I wanna live life where I dont have to deal with people who make my life miserable solely because they think my existence is fuel for their superiority complex. I want to be seen as equal. Thats all I have ever wanted in life, an equal chance. But that is quite literally never going top happen.

Why cant I be like men and have my sexuality be turned fluid by excessive porn usuage? why cant i find men who look like women equally attractive as actual women? yes people like Theo are ugly but there are men who do pass as ambiguous women. except theres nothing on my end, man. once i find out they are biological men, its over. theres nothing. my brain lights up only for women. and its fucked how retards like to be "ohh you just havent tried it" well i have, several times, some being pressured into it but whatever. i did it out of my own free will and not once was i ever like "yeah!! i love this whooo!!" the only times I remotely "enjoyed" it was when id imagine myself as a child being used, and by enjoyed I mean i felt validated, i never felt pleasure. it would be awkward as fuck sometimes as it would keep going and i would sit there like "man, when will this be over?" bored out of my mind and then kinda annoyed because it still kept going. I cant believe women like men, as in they like sex with men, they like mens bodies, they like their SMELL, they like their asses (that part confuses me especially, i mean yeah a man with a big ass is fun to point out bc of how strange it is, but they arent joking about it, they LIKE it, they WANT it), they like their dicks, they like dicks being put inside of them, it doesnt even matter to the average women if the guy jacks her off or not. Men would try to jack me off and that was one of my "oh hell no" moments, it was disgusting. same with kissing men. its just gross. I dont know man I feel like my fantasies of being a homewrecker for a woman is pornbrained because now that I think of it, the only way I could enjoy that is if the woman does not have sex with him, and doesnt kiss him. because man thats gross. To think there are women who enjoy men anally is on a whole other level too due to how disgusting the average man is, like even men admit they are gross. I dont even find women attractive when it comes to anal stuff, but women finding men attractive for that? jesus christ.
Yet its crazy how men will settle for that sorta thing too. I feel biologically cucked. I feel like I have got the short end of the stick, the worst sexuality you could possibly have in terms of optics. It wouldnt be so bad if it was more common, thats the only thing making it bad. That and the threat of bifoids who lie about being bi, potentially bringing in diseases. But still. All my life, ever since I have hit puberty, I have wanted to be with a woman sexually. And when it comes liking men, I thought it would magically happen. I thought one day, I will see men in the same light as other women do, but not never happened. I got with men because other women said it would happen, but it never did. I get to see everyone lust after men, with the only people who lust after women being men, meanwhile I get no action myself because Im stuck as a woman. And now I gotta deal with pooners existing, not to mention the obesity epidemic causing bulldykes to be the most common type of lesbian, even if shes not a bulldyke a lot of them are morbidly obese. Its not fair. I feel like an incel, man. Except I dont hate women, and I wouldnt say I hate men either, rather I hate being alive. I hate the status quo. I just wanna be able to go outside and be myself, and not have to jump through all kinds of hoops to get with someone else. I wonder if I could go to NYC soely to be involved with finding a potential underground lesbian scene, as big cities are my only hope- and I thankfully do live near NYC to the point all it takes is a simple train ride there. But where I live, its per near impossible. The only scene youll find revolves around elderly women- which is pretty adorable, good for them. My area is so small and its both consertative and liberal, but liberal as in woke. I wish instead of wasitng my time being a retarded tranny I wouldve looked into lesbian spaces while I had the chance since this was right before troons took everything over.
Gos nothing can replace the feeling women give me, its like a lightswitch in my brain. Its cruel. Its like a taunt. "You could be with me lol if only you werent born with a vagina". Cyraxx got himself a girlfriend in the past, man. I bet theres people who even find Daniel Larson attractive. Yet I cant get anyone simply because theres not many women out there who are into other women. All this talk about how ugly Theo is yet women still find him attractive in this current state, at that point I cant help but wish harm against those women because that man is a walking definition of a red flag yet you still thought to assume he wasnt, and bashed actual women for calling him what he is because of "muh twansphobia", you deserve to be raped and beaten at that point, its a proper punishment for chosing a bottom of the barrel weak ass clear-as-day hateful predatory scrote over women. Ohh noo the wolf others warned me about being a wolf attacked me! How could this be?? He said he was a sheep!! Exvept these whores always double down afterward, theyd rather die than not be a cocked obsesed whore. Anything except believing other women have good intentions, oh no that could never be. Women would fuck anything other than another women. Anything with a penis. I wouldnt fuck anything just because it had a vag, yet thats the mentality for most women qhen to comes to dick. Yet they call us the perverts, huh. They call US the weirdos and degenerates. Men will easily go fuck anything that remotely looks like a women and women will fuck anything as long as it has a dick, but dont you DARE be attracted to the same sex, thats just gross. Thats not okay, fam. You should be ashamed of yourself for finding that of age woman sexy. Why dont you go be a shit eating gay man instead? No offense to gay men I guess, its just crazy how faghags exist though, somehow being a gay man who takes it up the ass by fat bear men is more acceptable than two women being together.

Why do people crap on Linux for its seeming-inability to run Adobe? Thats not even true, you can use a VM. It isnt pefect but why is not being able to run Adobe such a deal breaker when Adobe is pretty oldschool nowadays? Theres a lot of great software out there that can do as good if not better than the average Adobe project. There are even extensions involved when it comes to Gimp that makes it basically a free version of Photoshop, I know because I have mine rigged up in a similar fashion- though I dont use Linux at the moment, I still have my computer on Dualboot but its too cheap to be able to handle it. It cant even run Minecraft lol Its a great computer dont get me wrong, but its limited. I was suprised it could run Adobe products, thank you piracy.

I have pretty consistent morals, although my sense of morality is limited. For the most part everything is flexible to some degree, but theres one thing I stand by no matter what: if you pretend to be something you are not for personal gain (exploitation), you deserve to die, and if anything you should be killed. This includes people like Theo, fake gurus, dictators, politicians, anything really. Anything that inolves that type of mentality. It goes beyond mere posery, there is nothing more evil in this world than to assume an identity /idealogy solely to gain the trust of people you dont even care about just so you can exploit them /exploit the system. This is why I hold some Nazis and other scum as higher regard than people like Theo, sure you can say those people would be worse morally, but I disagree. If they are honest about how they feel, they are more virtous than those like Theo. A pedophile is awful, but whats worse than a pedophile is a pedophile who pretends to be a pedohile hunter or something else that people victimized by pedos would trust. I cant stress enough how these people represent evil in the purest form. there is nothing more evil than wolves in sheeps clothing. This is why I dont "misgender" random ass troons, or go out of my way to attack people I dont agree with. Theres no point, unless they are directly oppressing me physically or emotionally (the average tranny does not have that power where I live) then theres no reason to cause conflict. And as for calling them all these names or "being twansphobic" well considering the fact I call them what they are, if its twansphobic to speak the objective truth about reality then I am more than happy to assume that title. I respect peoples beliefs until they claim their belief is fact. Hell, people hate AGPs but I dont. Fuck do I care what turns you on? But its like what I mention: pretending to be something you arentin order to exploit people is evil.
Im probably one of the few people who follows their moral code consistently. It just so happens theres very little apart of said code, nost things are flexible in my eyes. Things people consider morally wrong I consider conditional. Murder is wrong for the average person but I just see it as a natural part of life, its wrong sure but in certain situations it is needed- and Im not just reffering to self defense. To me it is morally right to shed diseased people (predators) from society. Its morally right if you wanna take revenge on someone after they wronged you, what makes it bad to do is that you would be throwing your life away in the process, but if you wanna defend your honor and put it above your own life then I find that respectable in a lot of situations given they are not petty. I know a lot of this makes me sound like a fucking edgelord Reddit fag, but those people talk about "muh morals and ethics" as a way to virtue signal, not out of passion, for them its to be a contrarian. They dont put any actual thought into it, thats why they end up defending zoophilia and stuff like pedophilia. I know I bring him up a lot but it reminds me of Adam Lanza's essay defending pedophilia, really it reminds me of his thought processes in general, such a Redditor. I mention him a lot just because his case, much like Elliott Rodger, stands out, making it easy to reference. I really feel like society would be better off living like the old times back when people were allowed to kill each other in mutual combat, back when a lot of things werent outlawed. If you arent gonna enact proper leadship then why have rules in general? Fuck the court system. Let people go crazy, let mob justice be the norm again. If people are gonna malfunction and run around with their heads cut off, then let them all go fully feral. Its bound to happen anyways. Order, chaos, order, chaos, its been that way all history. People build societies, they fall apart, people pick up the pieces, it all goes to shit, it gets better, it gets worse, it is what it is. All I can hope for is that more women become physically violent, that I feel like can change. More women should fight back with violence. Stop being a sissy and stand up for yourself and others, all talk no bite yet you wonder why your rights are constantly seen as negotiable. You control the population due to your ability to give birth, yet here you are being weak fucks who worship men that are a dime of dozen, they are disposable. Im just tired of seeing cynical bitter women who take it out on other women, by getting with degenerate men. Why not kill the men who hurt you? Or the woman. Why harm innocent people who have nothing to do with your pain? They dont harm people who deserve it, I rarely see that. These are grown adults Im reffering to, older than me, yet they still have the mentality of a little child.

God I want to die. I want to die.
The Void uploaded a new video, and it says I watched it already. I never watched it. The first case reminds me of my little brother. I hope every "gifted" program burns the fuck down, people dont know what goes on behind the scenes, all it does is create and fuel NPDs. You dont know how awful it is to see your little brother be forced into studying at a young age, constantly screamed at if he makes a mistake, only to have the school system reward the parents for their abuse, only to finally say something once the child starts to act abusive to the other kids because he doesnt know any better. They ignored both me and my older brother, they didnt give a shit about us, I would see the guidance Counselor time and time again upset out of my mind over what was happening at home, then Id beg her to not say anything because I was scared, she shouldve said something, it was her job to, but she never did. I thought it was my fault she never did because I was too much of a pussy about the situation. Then when I finally threatened to kill my family, thats when they "listened", and by that I mean they did nothing other than to send me to a hosptial. They called the police but I wasnt arrested. These are the same people who did nothing when Dakota kept assaulting me both physically and sexually, the irony was Dakota was assigned to me when I first came there, and she already had a previous history of doing that to people. They didnt do jack shit, man. They didnt do shit when the other kids would get into fights with my okder brother either, and now they failed my younger brother. If anything were to happen to either my mom or his dad, who are both physically ill, he is fucked. Hes only around 12, is homeschooled, hes the only one whos allowed to use social media (Discord), and really hes pretty spoiled but doesnt act like it due to how sheltered he is. Hes innocent, hes just a little kid. I miss him. I miss him so much. Him and my two step siblings are the only family memebers I miss. I miss my neice and nephew too on my sisters side but I feel too ashamed to think about them. All in all nothing I can do, but its scary having to grow up scared knowing that at any point someone might snap. My moms boyfriend, my younger brother's dad, threatened my mom when she tried to leave him in the past. He makes her do everything, she was the one who worked for the most part. If she died, I dont even wanna think about how he would react, not even his own mother think hes alright in the head. I fucking hate CPS. I hate my life. I want people to die. I want justice. I fucking hate these fucking people, I hate them all. I hate that Im alive, that I share blood with these deranged ass people- not that Im much better.
I hate Theo. I hate him so much. hes so ungrateful. At least my mom had a horrible life, these rich privileged cunts always act the most evil, the most disgustingly subhuman. Animals that deserve to be euthanized. No humanity to them, nothing. Just dieased pests that make everyones life miserable becausree they are parasitic. Thats how upper class people love to act, thats all they ever know. Parasites. All of them. No excuse to be that way either.

I need to get myself out there. I need to find friends. Im desperate. This isolation is gonna be the end of me. If I meet a woman who tries to use me, its gonna be the death of her because Im done. Im done being someone a person can unload their issues on as if I dont matter. Ill show you how little you matter, how meaningless your life is. If I dont mistreat you, dont mistreat me, dont fucking test me, fuck around and you will find out.

Maybe YT telling me I have seen the video already was a warning. I feel on edge, Im paranoid as fuck. I havent felt this way in a while. I hate being alive but im scared of death, I keep having flashbacks of the overdose. That overdose was the closing I got toward death since the first time I tried to overdose. You body feels stressed and panicked, but you feel no energy to do anything and life around you feels distant as fuck. With the aapirin overdose, my first attempt at my life exactly 10 years ago, I lost the sensation of touch, I could barely see anything, I couldnt hear anything except for a ringing, couldnt smell anything except for aspirin, couldnt taste. My mom didnt take me to the hsopital so I just laid there sick for I dont know how long, eventually I started to gain my senses back and eventually I fully got better. The overdose back in April wasnt nearly as bad, but I was fucked up for thenext couple days. I just laid there out of it. I can barely remember what fully happened.