May 21st, 2025
I'm gonna delete my DA soon, after my memebership ends. I feel weird about it considering I had that account for over 13 years. Whatever.
May 22nd, 2025
Been raining for the past two days now, I feel like it gives me the blues. Still haven't be able to find work, feel lonely as shit, stuck indoors full of envy. It's really my past that affects me the most, the worry that no matter what I do people will always look down on me and try to hurt me. I'm sick of it. I'm tired of seeing privileged fucking people mistreat others who are going through it worse than they are, they can all go to fucking hell. I just want to die. I don't even wanna die, I just wanna have the bare minimum yet I have been fighting for such all my adult life. People who put me through hell get to still have plenty of money, plenty of people who truly do care about them, plenty of resources.

I'm lonely

May 23rd, 2025
I wonder what brought on me having nightmares about Her again, it's always the same theme too. It's the same theme with every girl I knew personally which isn't many. Cluttered, crowded, disorienting, feeling like I am just there. Always the same mid cloudy weather, always around noon. It's depressing, I wake up feeling sick to my stomach whenever I have those types of dreams. Not from anxiety I don't think, no it feels physical- as if I am starting to catch a cold or something. Lately I've been slacking in the self care department, I've been drinking coffee all day which makes me anxious then makes me sleep in which then makes me crave sweets which then makes me overeat. I know it's bad for me yet I still do it anyways. I'm going to stop, starting today. No caffiene again.
I keep pondering over my potential career paths. There's too many options... But wouldn't it be nice if I simply became a camera operator? Something I've been wanting to pursue since I was a little kid. I looked into it before, I am too small. I am small and my balance is below average. But at the same time, I don't fucking care. I wanna pursue that path. I like the untraditional side of film, I wanna work in commericals and live TV and work in short films, etc. I'm the opposite of Theo, it's not about putting my name out there- it's not about attention, it's about the love of the game itself. In a way I love the idea of only ever being associated with obsure media. I've been thinking about Theo a lot lately, not in the usual way, but rather what led me to wasting a decade of my life wishing I were him. I could become the thing he failed to do. I wish I could become him physically, i never stopped wanting that. But I have gotten better at embracing my feminine self. Long sleeves are my best friend. I need to lose weight and stop being a disgusting pig : D I tried on a dresss, I ended up looking like an ogre due to the combination of my musuclar frame and the fact I am not lean. I am not obese but I am not lean.

What if evil is temptation? What if evil takes the form of something promising you a better life, something you know is wrong? Evil stems from the desire for something better, it is a constant pattern. Even when it comes to people who kill for the sake of causing pain, they do so because they know it will make them feel better. When I think about Theo, and the nature of addiction, when I think about the person that hovers over me, I am reminded of that fact. It's temptation. Being lured in by something to do something immoral, masquerading as a friend who knows whats best for you. In the end, those actions suck the life out of that person, turning them into a zombie who needs the next hit that will make them feel better, driving them to do more and more henious things that harms everyone else around them even if indirectly. Why is life like that?

Been crazy anxious all day, I think it's due to not having coffee. Sucks how much I crave comfort food, I'm such a piglet.
May 24th, 2025
Woke up today feeling kinda better, better than how I've felt. Trying to get into a routine. Slip some, always get back up. I'm trying. Had some Southern Comfort last night and it didn't taste too bad, though I thought it would be stronger. Wish I had more ngl, I mean I do but I only let myself drink on Fridays and only after 5pm. It's just nonstop, man. I don't know what else to say. Nonstop the same thing every single day: "I wish I had a girlfriend" "I wish I had friends" etc. Same thing every day because nothing can get done, and since nothing can be done atm it reinforces the thought that this will be all life has to offer. I feel bitter over everything. I have to realize that my intuition has gotten good, my whole problem in life was continuing on with things when I KNEW my gut was suggesting otherwise. It's crazy how the moment I met my last boss, I knew something felt off yet I kept pushing it aside since I figured it was just my anxiety. I just get so desperate though. I want so badly for someone to care about me, to love me. It's not like when I went to go live with Omar and met up with people like my roommate that I was like "oh nothings gonna happen : )" I literally prayed to get killed. My life didn't matter and as such it made me able to take huge risks in order to potentially have a better life. I was ready to die. It's why I don't get upset over them in particular when it turned out they were abusive, I get upset over my situation. I get upset over people like Theo because they went on to adopt a fake ass progressive idealogy where they virtue signal about how much they care about those issues, all the while knowing they made fun of people like me and have fully taken advantage of vulernable people behind closed doors once it suited them. White suburban pieces of shits now claiming to be "oppwessed" minorities once it could socially benefit them to do so. God, I can't wait for him to die. One of the few people where I can safely say everyone would benefit if he died. But what bothers me isn't really him, its how retarded other people are- mainly women. They always rush to defend people like him at the cost of everyone else. Yet that's what I mean, I need to stop acting like I am missing out when it comes to retards. These people literally prove that when have an IQ of an ant, that all someone needs to do is slap on a label then boom, surely no one would everrrrr lie about those sorta things. The most brainless "appeal to authority" whores in the existence. I guess it's the reminder that I am not a man, and that my life would be easy if I were Theo, because of people like that. But I'd rather have real people in my life, I can't tolerate anything else. I know peoples' tone of voice all too well, I know when someone is being fake even if its to be polite- theres actually a difference between the two in terms of body language, easy to spot. I deserve better than these idiots. People keep saying the tides are turning, that everyone else is sick of these people too, I hope that's the case. I can't wait for it to be the norm to denounce these homophobic, sexist piece of shit buffalo bill sex offenders and their equally zombie-like supportors. I feel sorry for all the HSTSs out there, those are the only ones I feel sorry for- speaking as a former HSTS myself.

I guess the other worry I have with "the tides turning" is that even before all this was a thing, I fucking hated radfems. I was always made to feel bad for being "no better than a man" when it comes to having the audacity to be into things like BDSM, even when it's vanilla. It feels stupid to wanna kill myself over but fuck I don't want to be alive if I can't be who I am. Thats one of the main things that bothers me. Its that I still dont have any access to any space whatsoever regarding being able to express myself yet these people, straight people with porn addictions, do. They took over every space meant for homosexuals and since a lot of gay men hate women and are only "gay" because of porn theres "trans only" spaces but zero fucking woman only spaces. When there is a "woman only" space, its full of fat radfem bulldyke retards and NGLOG bifoid radfems that treat homosexuality like its also perverted the same way everyone else does, except just like transbians they lie about being "lesbians".
Even when it comes to minor things like being a furry, I was made to feel ashamed over it and now people like Theo and a bunch of other normies are IDing as such once it became trendy. Though I do gotta thank them for doing so, the community is trash. Still like mascot costumes, the art of it all.
I think its funny how most of these people, since they are normies by default including Theo, jumped on the bandwagon so late that I basically outgrew most of the things they obsess over. And with them, they technically can't "ruin" something as I've never seen a tranny be original in their life, so everything they latch onto becomes a generation loss type situation where it all starts to become generic, becoming wits own little thing akin to Mall Goths but if Mall Goths were even less creative, sorta like a corporation uniform but for mainstream obsessed normies who pretend to be alt.
I'm really just complaining because I know what I have to do, and I don't wanna do it. I'm gonna have to pick up the mantle.

I'm gonna try to ween myself off of the Trazadone. I am tired of feeling severely depressed. I haven't felt this way since I smoked weed prior to trying to kill myself. I know I have a reason to be depressed but I hate being stuck taking a medication that doesn't even do anything.

I hope I can eventually start to feel joy again. I had a weird thought earlier, about pooning out. Briefly, and I mean briefly, actually thought about it even if it was a fleeting moment. Really it has to do with the whole "well you're gonna probably die from mouth cancer anyways" mentality I have that sits in the back of my head. I would never poon out as in ID as a pooner, no it would moreso be a form of body modification. I'd never do that though. Hell, I refuse to ever get my ears pierced solely because most people pierced their ears at one point in their life, meanwhile I never pierced my ears ever. Never gotten a tattoo either, never will. My body will remain untouched.

I wish I could slice my throat open and see myself bleed out through a third person perspective. When I die I want it recorded.

May 25th, 2025
I have three job interviews coming up, I am elated. I went on Instagram and followed several pages my previous coworker reccomended to me when we went out to a bar prior to the attempt on my life, After I got out of the hosptial I basically ghosted everyone, and no one bothered to check in on me regardless so nothing was truly lost. Still, going to that bar was the first. It gave me a taste of a social life I never had before. I also followed a couple pages in regards to the post punk/punk ska scene where I live as I researched into that a year ago while working at my shitty job at the Assembly Line, though I never bothered going as my mental healh was in the gutter and the job was soul sucking. I never went to a concert before, I am scared shitless to even go because I am scared of potential contamination. I'm also scared of going to the local LGBT events in general because theres trans people there and they make me uncomfroable as the only ever time I ever interacted with trannies was when I was trans myself back in late middle school, and well, they were assholes. None of them were really TruTrans, this was during a time where society actually did hate them, and the only ones there were women who IDed as non binary yet not doing anything- literally nothing- to represent themselves as such. I hate that I ever tried to poon out, it fucked me over. My mom forced me into complete isolation after "coming out" as she thought my friend at the time, who IDed as trans after I came out to her, was influencing me to be that way. My friend and I were already becoming distant with each other as she chose internet friends over me when we still lived near each other, constantly telling me she couldn't hang out or do anything because she "told her facebook friend she would RP with them". And overall she seemed disinterested in me whenever we did hang out, often talking about her own interests and all that, not asking how I was doing (I was doing poor lol one of the worse periods of my life). So when my mom said we couldnt even meet up anymore, it was like the nail on the coffin. Really fucked me up as it was like that day changed how my mom viewed me forever. She was neglectful and didn't care about me prior, but afterward she become a watchdog and developed a delusion where I was possessed by evil spirits, ontop of the whole munchausen by Proxy situation that happened after where she told everyone who would listen that I was mentally retarded lmao That I had "a mind of 11yr old" and then setting herself as my dependant in regards to SSI without me knowing. Even after I depooned, it didn't get better. Yaknow the crazy thing is that I thought she would be happy that I was trans in a way because she fucking hates women, and constantly shittalked women as a whole, treating me and my sister like shit but not giving the same treatment to my brothers. Hell, going out of her way to treat my oldest brother (the one who molested me) and my youngest brother like they were angelic beings, which is ironic since both their dads were abusive as shit. The "lGbT" group at the school didn't do fucking shit. No one cared. This was back around 2016-2017, though the troon stuff started in late 2014 ish. So by the time I met Theo, I stopped IDing as a pooner yet still tried to keep vaguely pretending to be a boy online. A complete edgelord though lol
These people are fake fucks but I also don't wanna cause trouble so I guess Ill keep my mouth shut. I'm scared of talking to girls, man. I want their attention but the thought of having their attention scares me because I feel like a disgusting freak. I;m scared men will also be creepy toward me but that aspect is whatever as I am not planning on making friends with men nor really talking to them. Im done trying to do that. I think its crazy how when I was in the mental hospital recently, I was put in a female only ward. THAT was the most I ever spent around women in the past 5-6 years. The most I ever spent around women in my entire adulthood. It kinda sucked because I did eventually get horny and well, it was like having female blue balls if that makes sense. There was this girl I really wanted to talk to but never did, overall though it wasnt bad and most of them were nice. I just have to remember that. Its hard being attracted to only one sex with that same sex being the main people who tried to hurt you in life, especially who bullied you the most. Like yeah men hurt me too and that was scary considering men are physically stronger, but it didnt affect me emotionally much as I was never into them. I literally only ever got with men because women said to do so, that it would "help my trauma", and the only reason I feel bad for doing so is because now I feel like no women would ever want me. Everything comes back to how women feel and if they will ever be interested in me, its been this way since I hit fucking puberty. Women were the main reason I also IDed as trans as I wanted to be straight. I wanted to be a straight man. I would nonstop fantasize about having a man's body and having sex with women.
Its so funny too. All this talk about Theo, right, and yet I just wanted him to use me, to relive my own trauma, and even when he REACHED OUT I was barely interested, yet I'd fantasize about having his body when he send me pictures of himself. I told him his dick was small afterward LMAOO Kinda fucked up, but idk his dick was average. I wonder what it will be like finally being able to become a man as surely I will eventually in another life. I wonder if dick size will be an insecurity or whatever nonsense is there to be insecure about. When I was younger in TV shows men would be "insecure" they had no chest hair, yet I barely see men with chest hair in media anyways. It's weird imagining myself as a man in hindsight because I think I have an attractive body as is, so to be a man its moreso about how other women would feel. Its bullshit how I know so much about how to looksmaxx and all that shit in regards to the average man in order to become desirable, yet none of that is useful to me as I'm a woman.
It hurts... I was thinking about this last night. I will never be able to have kids naturally, I will never be able to be in love with a girl and be seen as a happy, normal couple. Instead I will always be seen as a stupid ass dyke. I hate how people act like you can change your sexuality or that lesbians are confused (funny how they accept gay men but not gay women) when Id die to be able to be a straight woman. I could actually ENJOY sex, I could ENJOY men, the majority of the population. Like imagine finding men attractive, I would have nothing to complain about other than my physical disability as Id have no problem getting with men in general. Even in an abusive relationship, the silver linging would be sex. 1 outta 3 women are assaulted yet funny how most of those women never "become gay". Most of them are straight. I hate being a homosexual. I hate being like this. I hate it. I hate myself. Women are impossible to understand. Most women are obsessed with men. Most spaces involving fandoms worship shit like yaoi and everything is geered toward straight people. I hate posers, I HATE how they act like theyre "qweer" and think being gay makes them cool. I never wanted to be this way and I actively tried to "fix" myself. I hate how even amoung troon spaces, its about being straight, and even if you get with another pooner that pooner wants to look like a man. I hate the stereotype that all lesbians want to emulate a boy/girl relationship as every lesbian is inherently attracted to a butch when I am not. I am attracted to fem / androgyonous women. I hate how I am apart of the "severely self hating gay" crowd, I don't know how not to be. I never been able to express myself ever without someone finding me disgusting. It was hard growing up during the whole SJW shit where women obsessed over the "male gaze" and how finding women sexy was bad, as I felt like even more of a horrible perverted person since BOTH sides seemingly fucking hated me. I hate getting into MGTOW scenes as a young age as those were the only people I could relate to.
I don't wanna get my hopes up.

I just wanna be happpy someday, I want to live a happy fulfilling life, even if it has to be after I am dead.

I had coffee today but from Dunkin, not from home. Big mistake. At first I felt fine because I was outside the house for once and yaknow, sunlight we need it. But now I have a lot of restless energy and my thoughts are scattered all over. I crave more coffee just to "calm me down" lol I did that with energy drinks. It was like a cycle. I'd drink my Monster Rehabs one after the other. Every time I would quit, I would eventually end up buying one "for gold times sake" then it would get me hooked again, its an expensive freaking habit. Energy drinks cost more than hard liquor. I vowed never to buy any ever again, its too addicting. It's like weed, man. It fucks up my anxiety yet it tricks me into thinking its calming, just like the way sugar does. I am still physically addicted to sugar which sucks. I don't think I have an addictive personality, though. I think a lot of people are in denial about being addicrs in the first place, addiction is normalized within society- the "socially acceptable" ones like porn, junk food, alchohol, caffiene. Hard drugs are bad but joking about how you are physically dependant on caffiene is funny I guess. I can't jack off to porn anymore, ever since quitting it all comes across as disgusting to me. Not the actions itself, just the way its made. Its not the real thing obviously. Sometimes I still try to get off but I always kinda regret it for the most part, maybe one or two times it actually feels nice. For some reason I have been getting really paranoid after doing so lately, like the physical sensation makes me feel like my pelvic floor is gonna collaspe and it freaks the fuck out. Ever since I found out your pelvic floor could collapse Ive been freaked out. Why is female biology like this? It's retarded. We got periods, we got our hormonal issues, and now we got our pelvic floors potentially collapsing. Men only gotta deal with an anal prolapse IF he does anal, men dont gotta worry about jack shit otherwise other than getting cancer which is something everyone worries about. All this makes me convinced either my soulself made things to be intentionally more difficult or that maybe Gpd is evil, that God simply is an evil being who wants peoeple to suffer, I wish I was joking. Its just traumatizing in its own right to grow up as a female. A lot of dumb shit, a lot of unfairness. Whiney whiney whiney look at me. Yet what I see is women complaining about men as if men are at fault lol because they cant ever get men out of their fucking minds. Men, men, men. I guess both sexes are equal in that regard, in the NPC realm they both have that as their default setting- men complaining about women, women complaining about men. Makes me sense. I only complain about women because women don't see the value in other women, they put men first even when they claim to hate men. Why can't they just be honest and say "yep, I am OBSESSED with men, I am NOTHING without men, men are in my thoughts 247". Same with men, why can't they admit that. They always gotta play mind games, like two machines malfunctioning. I can admit I am obsessed with women, because I am. I think about women 247. I am nothing without women. See, it isnt fucking hard to admit that. Imagine being attracted to 50% of the population yet acting like you have it so hard, that you are soooo misunderstood sexually or whatever. Like I mean in regards to their sex life, they act like they have it ohhh sooo harddd : ((( Look at these poooooooooor wittle men and women, guysss. I think humanity by default is just stupid and I know I sound edgy for saying that, but sometimes I think we are a stupid species. I hate the human condition because it feels absurdly artificial most of the time. NPCs exist, so why do some people have self awarenesss? Why are some people apart of the game and others aren't? Theo is an NPC. We got people who are NPCs pretending they are not NPCs, man. Crazy.

Spelling errors and so on, I type out my thoughts as they come. Sometimes I reread it, sometimes I don't. I'm not going to go back and correct things once its published. Whats done is done, consider it raw.
May 26th, 2025
I woke up feeling rather melancholy due to flashbacks. It was like for a brief moment I was 15 again in my bedroom. We made burritos last night and for whatever reason my rooommate added a fuck ton of butter to the griddle causing the house to have that burnt toast smell, which is apparently triggering to me because I was having flashbacks last night too. I could've sworn a house centipede was crawling on me while I was sleeping, I was half awake half asleep when I felt something crawl on me. At least theres no hornets in the room like last year. I love house centipedes, they eat the unwanted bugs. I don't like them CRAWLING on me, though. This is the third time they tried to do that.

Outside is depressing. Everywhere I look its someone walking alongside someone else. I keep having flashbacks, its just one of those days.

May 28th, 2025
Keep on wanting to delete all this, wanting to become invisible, wanting to keep it up, feeling like I am gonna live a long hopefully happy life, feeling like I am going to die prematurely, feeling like everything is okay, feeling like everything is going to go to shit, that I am being naive for ever thinking things will get better. It's hard growing up where people all around me treated me like a burden or an object. On one hand, I think about how people like Theo turned out and how I should be happy that I was never roped into their fakery, that me doing relatively well despite all Ive gone through and overcoming things is an example that I am meant to do good in life. On the other, I can't shake what the majority is, I can't shake how the majority sees me. How I am looked down on and seen as a lesser in various ways, that there hasnt been a single time in human history where someone like me wasn;t the first to be targetted when it comes to literal genocide and other ways. Seeing people defend gene-editing and brain chip implants under the guise of "helping" people who are like me, the majority act like its not a trojan horse. These people and their stupid fucking ignorance pisses me off, I am so jaded by it all. They are brainless followers, all of them. Its laughable when it comes to people like Theo due to how absurdly stupid their delusions of prosecution are compared to who they are. I dont really get angry over it, mostly because I adopted a natural selection attitude regarding it even though I know others claim it isnt very natural, however I think it is. I think if it wasnt this type of cult brainrot, these people wouldve fallen for a different version of cult brainrot because lunacy like that existed all throughout human history. But when its not laugghable is when it comes to the majority-majority, not the people who pretend to be counter culture. Sure they have good intentions, but that almost makes things worse. People are easier to be taken advantage of when they have good intentions. Theyre naive. I don't know whats gonna become of me, I dont know what I want to do. Honestly the main thing I wanna do right now is go out and socialize, I wanna hook up. I want a girlfriend more than anything, even if its temporary. I wanna try to be close to people, it feels like my main hurdle. All I do is run away from anyone I remotely care about. But at the same time, those people never talk to me afterward. They never start up a conversation on their own. I guess thats what Im gonna do. Go out party, talk to people, start up conversations, get things going, then ghost them to see if its one sided or not. To see if they actually care or if Im doing all the heavy lifting. Im tired of doing all the heavy lifting. I treat people nice, I buy them things, I dont lie to them, I dont do anything to hurt them, so its like when they turn out to be fake, when they end up never contacting me again after I refuse to start up another conversation, it hurts. But fuck those people. Their loss. Now I know who will be loyal. I guess its a good system.

Oh my fucking God I am so sad. I don't know why. It's unbearable, I can't cry it out. I can't cry. I don't know why. I want to die.

I saw the most attractive woman Ive seen in a while. I keep staring at her photos. I am so horny. I feel weird about jacking off though, the last couple times I did it I felt paranoid after for seemingly unknown reason. I wonder if I vomitted up my medication. I vomitted two times earlier, one in the toilet one on the floor by accident. I never want to eat food again!! But before I did all that I took my medication like a good little pharmaslut. Well, its like what. 25mg. Oh WELL. I am so horny man. I am so lonely. Life would be easier if I liked dick. Or if I had a dick.... As a man, not as a woman. Id be so fucked if I had a dick in my current state. Id be so fucked if I was born a man without a dick too. God pray for the biological freaks out there, man. I want that girl crush me under her armpits and make me worship her like a peasant. I would worship her. Id do anything for another woman. But people dont like that. People dont LIKE my God-like devotion, they find it creepy and obsessive. Look at Theo. Imagine choosing to cuckhold yourself fucking balding tranny prostistutes and sexting little girls on Discord than taking asvantage of your stalker fully while you had the chance. Nah mam, lets chase after 200+ pound fat pooners and devote yourself to a narcisstic cult full of the most stereotypical Reddit esc ugly looking trannies people make memes about. I mention Theo because well, he did show interest at one point. Out of all the people I obsessed over, he was the only one to actually try to do something with me. And yet I wasnt even attracted to him lol It wouldve never worked out, but during all that I was still dealing with PTSD from CSA and thoughts of wanting to be used again, so who knows. The funny thing is my obsession with him wouldve died out completely had we met up in person. I didnt even check his profile for most of it. When I checked in profile back in 2024, I was shocked to see how he actually looked like compared to ig the vision of him in my end- "vision", I put loosely, as I would usually think about being him. I remember that moment clearly because no offense, it wasnt like he was ugly or anything (pre tranny Theo), but it was kinda disgusting. He had a mustach like the utlimate pedostach it was so funny and weird and gross. Like why would you ever think that looked good, chap? Right now DireTrip has the same sorta thing going on. He has a goatee yet he has a babyface, I am so sorry for my parasocial friend but that doesnt look good. It looks like someone painted facial hair on him. I kinda feel bad in a way, I feel for all the people out there who are stuck with babyfaces. FlurryMoon has a babyface, she looks like a minor. The women I was obsessed with prior to poooooooor wittleeee Theooo barely knew me, one of them was a pooner, who shocker, I wanted to be. She was obsessed with Rick & Morty, was a nice artist too. I drawn her fanart which she responded. But I was a freaky degenerate back then who had no impulse control and zero self awareness as an edgelord, I would threaten to rape her and all that LOL I was 15 and I am pretty sure she was adult actually, as she would post NSFW and all that. Yet Im pretty sure I lied about my age at the time (this was Facebook) considering I talked to others in her circle and one of them was pretty candid about NSFW things, like she was shocked I didnt moan while masturbating. I dunno what age I said I was, probably 22 or something le mature. Fun times. Man.... I miss stalking peopleeee. I miss being devoted to peopleeeee. I still fantasize about things I probably shouldn't. and it excites me thinking about stuff like that. I still think about being in Theo's body, or haunting him behind the grave for fun. I like thinking about having sex with his fat ugly pooner friends, maybe with their permission maybe notttt. They aret ugly, theyre just fat. Theres barely anyone in this world who qualifies as being ugly, most people are ugly due to bad personal hygiene, lack of style, and being obese/anorexic. The only people who are born ugly are people like me who have medical conditions that make them deformed. I laugh whenever people think Im being mean by calling someonme fat or stating the obvious in terms of how disgusting they look, at least they have the option to not look that way. SOMEONE has to say something, if they put in more effort into themselves they could be pretty popular. I hate seeing people self depricate and be all "boowooo no one wants me : (" or act like they are "lonely", when they have no reason to be. All their problems can be fixed. They have inherent potential that shouldnt be understated. Instead of being mopey whiners they should work on achieving their goals because nothing is truly stopping them from doing so.
See I wonder if I woke up in man's body, if I would miss my female one in terms of experiencing climax. Would I be used to how I smell or would I be new to everything, including my own body odor? Because men smell gross even when they are clean. But I love sweaty women. Sometimes I feel like I should try again, that I should just end it all. This time by drowning. How could God be mad at me? Others have it worse but that doesnt take away the fact my life was harder than what most people had to go through, and its like. WHY do others have it worse, huh? Why do we have to be put through so much? Theres so amy people in this world who are born and the moment they are born they are tortured and eventually killed at a young age. Wheres God in that?
Sometimes I dont even wanna have sex with a woman before I die because I dont wanna put someone through that. "Heyyy lets have sex" and then WHAM, next thing you know I am fucking dead lol but its not like it would be anything they couldve controlled. That is if any woman would ever wanna be with me.. I doubt it. I am disgusting. I look like a cryptid. I am weirdly bulky for a female.
I took this image of me months ago. Like, uhhh. Awhile ago. I'm more muscular than I was before, less fatty.

Lol I look so fucking psychotic, my eyes, I was trying to look at the viewfinder to see how it looked but I cant see that far even with my glasses. Look at my body though. Look at it. I look so fucking weird even without my face being fucked up. Even with the weight that I am in and so on, I look like a freak. It wouldnt be that big of a deal if homosexuality wasnt so uncommon, if the competition wasn't fierce due to how small the perventage is. I dont know why I look the way I do regardless, I dont work out the way other women due yet I look more bulky than a lot of them. I put on musucle easily.
I just want a girl to love me, to find me attractive, to look past everything. I wouldnt hold another girl to the same standards I hold myself to, thats the thing. If there was a girl just like me physically, including my condition, I would be able to look past it and she would still be my everything. Id still die for her. Yet I dont think that would happen to me, I dont even think I could trust someome to have that happen to me. Im useless.
May 29th, 2025
Im thinking if I went the noose route, I could set up my camcorder and record it lmao Maybe stream it since its unlikely anyone would find me in the woods. But a noose would be least effective compared to drowning and idk if the stream would be stable or if it will cut out. I mean where I live theres a spot in the woods where it isnt deep in the woods and right next to a highway, but shrouded enough to where it would still be hard to locate me. i tried killing myself in April, went to the ICU, stayed in the psych ward, no one helped yet now I am in over $k in debt due to medical expenses. Lost my job because I was hospitalized. I have two job interviews coming up but both job options suck and will still leave me in poverty barely scraping by. I have no friends, no family, been isolated for years, I dont feel like life is worth it, I cant wait to die. Im too poor to even kill myself right now, I have to wait til I get a paycheck in order to do it. But I don't get a job between the two interviews, then I guess I will have to go with drowning since Im tired of trying to overdose.
Its a sick joke to be brought up in an era where everyone pretends to uplift "muh minorities", all the while its a facade built by narcissts who virtue signal to hide their own depravity. I have never met a single progressive in my entire fucking life who was a geninue person that wanted the best for people like me, we are always fucked over no matter what. I have met literal Nazis/neo Nazis who were less bigoted and less judgemental than the average progressive, actually the far right is extremely diverse compared to progressives. All I see is white upper class useless crybaby faggots, yet if you call them out for being fake crybullies youre the bad guy ig.
I dunno if Im gonna write a suicide note. I dunno what Im gonna do about this webpage, if Im gonna delete it. Last time I tried to kill myself, I said nothing to literally everyone. I didnt tell anyone I was gonna do it because thats how much I stopped caring about life itself. I did make an effort to try and see my childhood pooner friend right before heading to the hotel as a last ditch effort to see if life was worth living, but no one answered the door. It felt like people were in there, I thought I heard, but no one answered. I left a shark keychain there for her. Last time I talked to her, I got blocked for twannzzzphobia- like oh yes, block ME for that, you literal transtrending fujoshi. Block the former HSTS who tried to transitioned before you did, whos the reason you ever pooned out to begin with. I dont really care tbh, I guess her whole situation was insulting to me solely because she abandoned me- she copied me, yet chose to talk to people online instead. Im jealous because with her body, she couldve passed when she was skinny. SHe got fat pretty quickly, but whatever. I blame myself for her struggles... Like I think back on that, and its like idk. I caused her to poon out, yet at the same time she abandoned me shortly after. She has a heart condition too so she shouldnt have even been allowed to have T, she has a literal diagnosed psychotic disorder yet her doctors allowed her to poon out. That just goes to show you how scuffed everything is. How much BS it is. I wish I never did anything, I wish I spent that time accepting my sexuality while I still had the chance considering lesbian spaces werent taken over yet. I mean I did date several women, but it was all e dating and I never opened up about what was going on I dont think... I always tried to act cool, but Id be angry too and vent about nonsense to take my mind off things. I wish instead of being an edgelord, I wish I wouldve allowed myself to be vulernable.
Keep thinking everything will be fine, then I remember what I look like, how I sound. The only times I felt happy and content was when I was isolated to the point I forget that I sound the way I do. If only my voice was normal, I wouldnt even mind my face being the way it is. Its a sick fucking joke. I sound normal when I speak, in regards to what I hear. Yet I sound completely different to others. How is that possible? This is what Im talking about with life being a form of torture. No one will ever hear how I actually sound like. Shit man, I got that dyke-y voice going on and everything. Its not like I have no speech impediment, I do hear myself having a speech impediment but its nowhere near as bad as it actually sounds.

I feel like I am taunted whenever I fall asleep in a way where upon waking up, I forget that I have ever fallen asleep in the first place. Reminds me of being dead. Very peaceful. I do not know why I am depressed the way I am.

I need to stop being a whiney faggot, I hate being so weak. I could do whatever I want yet I imprison my own self due to insecurity.

May 30th, 2025
How do I get locked in when it comes to doing stupid stuff like researching and fiddling with how to get certain things in an outdated video game, but I struggle to focus on doing anything actually productive? I think its just because Im not used to it? I stopped consistently drawing a long while ago, and every time I stop doing something its hard to start it up again because it feels familiar. Yet the catch with me is that once it DOES feel familiar, I can lock in for hours due to my obsessive nature. I think the whole reason I keep falling back into old mentalities is due to how ingrained it is in my system and the lack of exploration I do in finding new things to fixate on simply because I rarely branch out. I have to keep pushing myself out of my confort zone but also in a way where I feel as though I am not being robotic, I get caught up in the whole "creating routines" stick that I burn myself out as I obsess over the routine itself than the actual things Im doing. Its an balancing act between trying to keep things simple yet organized.

I like drinking, it makes me feel closer to God. Gotta be responsible though.